7-Elevens

Elective Poems of 2016

February 1
PRIMARY

Neither soybeans nor corn can
lie to themselves. Vegetable
intelligence commands dirt
poor farmers to vote for pants
on fire politicians.
Caucusing Caucasians. Hog
tied pundits squirmish in pools
of E. coli adjectives
cast bronze tonsils in foundries
rusted by the biggest banks
of the biggest river there.

February 2
TRUMPED

I think I might come here and
buy a farm.
 You could see blood
coming out of his eyes, blood
coming out his wherever.
WHO claims Zika shrinks heads grim
like the pert Fox might playing 
trickster God. Suits lay three-card
monte. Trumpets call. The all-
purpose room of a Catholic  
church does not serve, in Truth, all
purposes. Baby parts. Jeb!

February 3
RED CITIZENS UNITED

Right To Rise. Conservative
Solutions. Believe Again.
America Leads. New Day
For America. Concerned
American Voters. Club
For Growth Action. Carly For
America. Courageous
Conservatives. Our Children’s
Future. Security Is
Strength. Purple. Stand For Truth. Keep
The Promise. Baby Got PAC. 

duly noted (via OpenSecrets.org):
Right To Rise supports Bush
Conservative Solutions supports Rubio
Believe Again supported Jindal  
America Leads supports Christie
New Day For America supports Kasich
Concerned American Voters supports Paul
Club For Growth Action supports ­?   
Carly For America supports Fiorina
Courageous Conservatives supports Cruz
Our Children’s Future supports Carson
Security Is Strength supported Graham
Purple supports Paul
Stand For Truth supports Cruz
Keep The Promise supports Cruz
Baby Got PAC supports Rubio
February 4
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BURNT TOAST AND DIAMOND? (i)

Used to be toast was toast. Now
dude or dudette finishing
fourth is toast. Come next week John
or Jeb! or Chris or Carly
cream-cheesed, buttered, rose-petal
jammed with a carbon dusting
of untaxed flat molecules:
burnt. Other flats slip into
sexy gaps of DNA
underwear causing cancer:
so much ballot-box stuffing. 

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BURNT TOAST AND DIAMOND? (ii)

Applying enough pressure
and heat to the ebony  
amorphous carbon lazing
upon bread turns donors first
into graphite which helps them
write checks and then makes them pure
tetrahedrons bound to each
other ninety miles under
earth’s surface brought towards the crust
by volcanic eruptions
like no shit Black Lives Matter.

February  5
VERY ARTFUL SMEAR

Why accept such a high fee?
That’s what they offered, Clinton 
offered, clenching cheeks into  
a fist. Every posy needs
water, every bee pollen. 
Goldman sacks of honey hurt no one.
Heart surgeons and camp
counselors too sought to
see her finger-paint with her middle
fingers, one in de Kooning’s
blue bucket, one in the wind. 

February 6
C.T.E.

Opposition research lies
on the couch risking sickness
or suffering the same sneaky
way twenty years of being
hit in the head on the foot-
ball field would. Roger Goodell
said even with sufficient
napkin coverage, enough chips
and guac’ while watching debates
could produce chronic trauma-
tic encephalopathy.

February 7
MARCO, POLO.   MARCO, POLO.   MARCO….

Man, relieved to know Barack
Obama knows exactly
what he is doing
. It’s looked
that way for a while now, yes. 
Thank you for telling us four
times. Was there a hidden ear-
piece turning this sweaty child
in Manchester into the
Manchurian Candidate?
Mainline this party: broken
record in an empty suit.

February 8
THE SUPREMES

The spirit of liberty
is the spirit which is not
too sure that it is right. Stop
in the name of Learned Hand,
look and listen, as dogma’s
freight train blows by, coupling box-
car’d hobos and billionaires.
A certain justice has not
asked a question in ten years
because he already knows—
just so—all the right answers.

February 9
DIXVILLE NOTCH

In the haunted Balsams Grand
Resort, yawning and vacant
and closed for renovation
like the rest of the country,
nine heroin-plagued zombies
fuss with their midnight makeup
in the freezing fluorescent
bathroom before stalking up
the stairs to cast the very
first votes turning a human
into a granite statue. 

February 10
ANTI-ODE TO CHRIS CHRISTIE

or

BY THE BANKS OF THE GLORIOUS BUT WIDELY TROUBLESOME HUDSON, UNDER THE MORNING’S BLOOD RED GLOW OF APPROACHING CANON FIRE, AND AMIDST THE AGONIZED GROANS OF WOUNDED THOUGH STILL WILLING VOLUNTEERS,  A PASTRAMI SANDWICH DISMOUNTS ITS STEED AND SURRENDERS @ FORT LEE

The Bridge To Nowhere is not
in Alaska but rather
New Jersey. Everything is
legal in New Jersey…’cept
pumping your own gas and hot
air. Balloon of garrulous  
gluttony and self-regard,
this bullied bully flies home
to weigh his campaign’s future
only to find he does not
have a scale that counts that low.

for Dean Young 
February 11
TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO TWEET 

She could have been the world’s most
powerful woman if just
the world loved her as she loves
herself. Instead, our country’s
worst unincarcerated
C.E.O. retreats home to
curl up on her marble slab
corporate bored table, to sleep.   
In pained dark, her lush iPhone
paints the measured portrait true:
Edward Hopper Twitter feed.

February 12
WHEN BLACK HOLES COLLIDE

A chirp! A chirp! David Lynch
robins perched prophetically
on lilac branches could not
produce a more glorious
sound, gravitationally
speaking, than the space-time rip-
ple effect emitted when
a pompous beanbag like Chris
merges, ethics first, with a
sanctimonious broomstick
like Carly. Away they go!

February 13
ALEXANDER HAMILTON SINGS FEDERALIST 68
ON BROADWAY (BA-DA BING! BA-DA BING!)

This process of election
affords a moral certain-
ty that the office of Pres-
ident will seldom fall to
the lot of any man who
is not in an eminent
degree endowed with the re-
quisite qualifications. 

Seldom has seldom been heard
as a more discouraging
word…regardless of the sky. 

February 14
AMY LINDSAY, BE MY VALENTINE
“I’m a middle-class working
girl and I had a job to do.”  

–Amy Lindsay, on CNN, 2/12/16

Indeed you did. You did it
so well so long in Perfumed
Garden, Forbidden Sins, Silk
Stalkings, Femalien II,  The
Pleasure Zone, Deviant Whores,
Milf
and more Marine Basic
Training Exercises that
at last you “made it” legit  
riding, Dr. Strangelove-style,
a Cruz-missile attack ad
punking Marco Rubiot.

February 15
SCALIA IN MARFA

There is no good time to die. 
But, judicial colossus,
you picked a crummy one. What
was your intent? If only,
at your swank hunting ranch, you’d
woken, briefly unholstered
the Second Amendment, rode  
into town to see the Judd
boxes in morning’s sun, your
take on textualism
might have been forever changed. 

February 16
GAMECOCKS OF SOUTH CAROLINA

To fight the clucking blue hen
in circled headlights, a good
gamecock must preen, polish, strut
his stuff, walk the walk and talk
the talk about the walk he
walked before he hardly’d learned
to talk, which was his parents’
walk, which comes in handy if
they were poor enough or rich
enough to prove the bloody
point ’bout how damn good he’ll fight.  

February 17
THE LITTLE ARTS  (FEDERALIST 68, CONTINUED)

Talents for low intrique, and
the little arts of popu-
larity, may alone suf-
fice to elevate a man
to the first honors in a
single State; but it will re-
quire other talents, and
a different kind of merit,
to establish him in the
esteem and confidence of 
the whole Union.
 A Dot Ham. 

February 18
PROBABILITY THEORY  (FEDERALIST 68, FOR THE LAST TIME)

It will not be too strong to
say that there will be a con-
stant probability of
seeing the station filled by
characters pre-eminent
for ability and vir-
tue.
 Why do you write like you’re
running out of lines? A word,
Alexander, from your co-
mander: probability 
ain’t never constant, ya dig?

February 19
DOES A BEAR SHIT IN THE WOODS?

or

WALLS VS. BRIDGES: WHAT’S A META METAPHOR?

Not the screaming Bacon pope
bought by billionaires snorting
culture like blow off Russian
models’ tits, but this Kasich
safe-for-Terry-Gross-Volvo-
liberals pope, pricking up his
tongue to trash talk then mic drop  
Trump as not Christian. Let’s not   
spotlight the frenzied millions
force-marched on Church-built gilded
bridges verily to hell.

February 20
1801

Quote: “At the end of his term,
President Adams rushed through
appointments for these judges,
offending Republicans
who thought he should have allowed
the new president to choose.”
At Broadway and Wall, shaky
scaffolding surrounds the graves
of Trinity Church, the wind
erasing names. Whenever
we die, we die together.

duly noted:
Ron Chernow, Alexander Hamilton, p. 647
February 21
BUSHWHACKING

Dear Jeb! If your brother’s sin
was being born on third base
thinking he’d hit a triple,
yours might be that nobody
wants to have a beer with you.  
Have your consultants not yet
explained that this heart you show
the margins—immigrants, poor
folks, using a word like love
etcetera—is now well past
its “sell-by” date. It’s cold out.

February 22
POLYGRAPH

Hell is other people she
knows so well having read some
Sartre in college and gone
on to help the helpless ‘stead
of that plush corporate lawyer
gig she brags ‘bout turning down.    
There was that untidy bit
where she got that rapist off
who’d raped that twelve-year old girl…
laughed ‘bout the lie-detector
exonerating her man. 

February 23
WORKING THE POLLS:  SILVER STATE, HEARTS OF GOLD

Other than intelligence,
one of the sexiest things  
about them sex-positive
feminists is that they like
sex. Versus them not-so-much
feminists. Prostitutes lean
Libertarian: Pimpin’
For Paul was working girl group
last two cycles. Now, just read 
their lips at Moonlite Bunny 
Ranch: Hookers 4 Hillary

February 24
MATH

One of the Cubans must go.
Cut a deal. Cruz could be Veep.  
Cruz could stake out that spare seat
on the Court. The fucking rub:
they loathe each other. One thinks  
the other’s a rap-loving
RINO. One thinks the other’s
a snake so thin you can’t force
the math down his throat. Cold War
MAD is what you end up with. 
One of the Cubans must go.

February 25
PARTY ORGANS

Some folks vote with their heads screwed
on straight, some tilt them to square
with the pain their folks made ’round
the house way back when, when they
learned just how the world hurts. Some
vote with spilled guts, some true hearts,
some spleens spiked with bile and fear.
Thumbs can be used, up or down. 
A film star who feels the Bern  
says she don’t vote with her cunt
but tests prove it can be done.

February 26
ELEPHANT MEMORIES:  THE GRAND OLD PARTY’S PRE-SUPER
TUESDAY HOUSTON DEBATE  (ALL GUARANTEED VERBATIM)

My father came to this coun-
try with a hundred dollars
in his underwear. My dad
made fifty cents an hour
washing dishes. If Uncle
Joe’s smoking like a chimney 
everyone is gonna hide
his cigarettes. You know my
father carried mail on his
back. The fruit salad of their
life is what I would look at.

February 27
CULTURE CREATES POLITICS NOT VICE VERSA

or

REPROGRAMMING THE RUBIOT PATRIOT MISSILE DEFENSE SYSTEM

Rubiot is plausible.
He’s available. He breathes.
He walks. He memorizes. 
He’s the wittiest gosh-darned
prettiest of those willing
souls who’ve not yet abandoned
the mucky race for that huge   
white house in the swamp. He lives!
If you feed him the right code
he will, smiling, repeat crude
insults on cue, just like Trump.

February 28
THE IMPACT OF THE BERNIE SANDERS RADIO ADVERTISEMENT BY CURRENT NEW YORK KNICKS FAN & FORMERLY FAMOUS FILMMAKER SPIKE LEE ON THE AFRICAN AMERICAN VOTERS OF SOUTH CAROLINA, IN REGARDS TO THEIR VOTING IN THE PALMETTO STATE’S SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2016 DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY
February 29
CESSATION OF HOSTILITIES

Let’s not call it a cease fire:   
Syria, Libya or
Anaheim: Qaddafi or
homegrown guys like William Quigg  
or You Know Who: in the end 
dragging the dictator out  
of the drainpipe he swims in
only to sodomize him
with a bayonet while crowds
jeer is the easy queasy.  
Be careful what you wish for.

March 1
MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN

You could start with slavery.
That would boost profit margins
much more than tax inversions
saving  the time and trouble
of stashing your company
abroad. As a free bonus
the slaves would be a future
consuming class after you
freed them, little by little.
Then you could sell them iPhones,
keeping the shackles in place.

March 2
PINBALL MACHINE 

Trump. Trump. Trump. Trump. Trump. Trump. Trump.
Trump Trump. Trump Trump. Trump Trump Trump.
Trump. Trump, Trump. Trump, Trump, Trump. Trump… 
Trump Trump Trump. Trump. Trump. Trump. Trump
Trump. Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump. Trump. Trump
Trump Trump.  Trump.  Trump, Trump.  Trump, Trump.
Trump…Trump…Trump…Trump…Trump…Trump….Trump!
Trump Trump. Trump. Trump, Trump, Trump. Trump.  
Trump? Trump. Trump? Trump. Trump? Trump Trump. 
Trump. Trump. Trump. Trump? Trump! Trump!! Trump!!!
Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump. 

March 3
THE BODY OF QADDAFI

displayed in a freezer laid
for days after his death so
the public would really know
he was dead. The nice walk-in
industrial freezer held
his son Mutassim too.  Some
drove hundreds of miles cross
country to see proof he’d died. 
One such man, so driven, said:
“God made the pharaoh as an
example to the others.”

March 4
CULTURE OF COMPLAINT  (VICTIMIZATION DEPARTMENT)   

These people in Washington
are horribly hurting US.
They are so so stupid but
smart enough to rule us wrong. 
Mean/while leaders of China,
Iran, Japan, Mexico
and Vietnam eat our lunch,
glaring and laughing at us,
even as we stand in line
at food trucks waiting to eat
the lunch they made us so good.

March 5
FEBRUARY 2, 2012  (BUT SUCCESSFUL NONETHELESS: SUFFICIENTLY 
SUCCESSFUL TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IT TAKES TO GET AMERCA TO
BE THE MOST ATTRACTIVE PLACE IN THE WORLD)
 

There are some things that you just
can’t imagine happening
in your life. This is one of
them: being in Donald Trump’s
magnificent hotel and
having his endorsement is
a delight. I’m so honored
and pleased to have his endorse-
ment. I’ve spent my life in the
private sector, not quite as
successful as this guy but…

March 6
THINGS DONALD TRUMP WOULD LIKE TO STRAP TO THE
ROOF OF HIS CAR FOR VACATION-DRIVING PURPOSES

Little Marco in a dog
cage. Mitt Romney’s stained copy 
of The Book of Mormon. A
pallet of Marla Maples’
panties. Barack Obama’s
Kenyan birth certificate
in a laminate necklace
wind-blown around the fat neck
of Ted Cruz, Isadora
Duncanish, the sweet weeping
willow branch fast approaching.    

March 7
FRACTIONAL INTEREST

Like Alan Keyes and Herman
Cain before him, Ben Carson
left the operating room
(stage right) without having served
a sole Oval Office day.
Sadly undone: repealing
Black History Month, or at least
shortnin’ it from the shortest
month of the year to three fifths
of that month, in keeping with   
our Founding Fathers’ intent.

March 8
REALTY FEALTY MEETS GOEBBELS GOBBLEDEGOOK

or

THE PLEDGE

Always felt creepy at school.
Saying one Nation, under  
God caused cooties plus confused 
grin. To be a part of something
bigger than your skin appeals
to the scared child in every
adult: That I, no matter
how I feel, no matter what
the conditions, if there’s a
hurricane or whatever…
will vote for
 ______________.
Fill in the blank

March 9
REMOVING THE LINES AROUND THE STATES

Michigan was caught screwing
around with Mississippi
in the back of Britney Spears’  
pickup. Robert Johnson and
William Faulkner approved, sang  
‘bout it, but did not other-
wise participate. Then, last
night, while the East Coast gently
slept, gushy fresh Hawaii
accepted the most pointed
advances of Idaho.

March 10
ON THE QUESTION OF BERNIE’S JUDAISM

If my menschy right wing scare-
monger please God rest his soul
grandfather arose from his
grave like that other wise guy
with the long locks blue eyes beard
in most pictures and chill words
about turned cheeks and fishes
he would find himself in a
classic Talmudic wrestling
chokehold takedown grudge Drudge death
match asking: Jew or no Jew?  

March 11
THE TWELTH DEBATE  (MIAMI SOUND MACHINE)

Little baby cockapoos
nipping at his trouser cuffs,
chase each other’s tales across
the warm, fuzzy stage, a con-
test to pick a pedigreed
mutt from the shrunken litter.
While Texas argues purebred,
juicy red stakes on the floor
go shockingly uneaten.  
The piano has been drinking
and the bar stools are on fire.   

March 12
THE BRIDGE AND TUNNEL CROWD  

Remember when amnesty
was a good word? The fragrance
of forgiveness infusing
every Vietnam War draft
dodger’s overdue dinner
back home. Now the talk of walls
is tall and spurs rip ripe flesh
of whatever horse brought you.
Smashed glass of freedom, a toast  
for this sad ballad country
that orphans its immigrants.

for Lin-Manuel Miranda
March 13
BLUE CITIZENS UNITED

Priorities USA. 
Generation Forward. Planned
Parenthood Votes. Women Vote.
TuckFrump.com. National
Nurses United. Make A-
merica Awesome. Black Lives
Matter. American Bridge
21st Century. Blue
South. Billionaires For Bernie.
Draft Biden. NextGen Climate
Action. Ready For Warren. 

duly noted (via OpenSecrets.org):
Priorities USA supports Clinton
Generation Forward supported O’Malley
Planned Parenthood Votes supports Clinton
Women Vote supports Clinton
TuckFrump.com opposes Trump
National Nurses United supports Sanders   
Make America Awesome opposes Trump  
Black Lives Matter supports ?
American Bridge 21st Century supports ?  
Blue South supports ?
Billionaires For Bernie supports Sanders
Draft Biden supported Biden
NextGen Climate Action supports ?
Ready For Warren supports Warren
At this stage in the 2016 election cycle, conservative-leaning Super PACS have spent $241.7M and liberal-leaning Super PACs have spent $13.6M
March 14
REPORTS OF SLIGHT DUST-UPS AT RALLIES FOR THE DONALD IN THE WAKE
OF SAINT NANCY’S SAD PASSING, LONG-PREDICTED BY HER ASTROLOGER

Used to have real politics
where if you didn’t like his
drift maybe your fist would touch
his nose hey no big deal then
a beer a shot a bandage.
“Politically correct”  
has queered it all starting with
your queers your welfare queens your
strapping young bucks Reagan put
it right like we forgot how
this fucking country got made. 

March 15
THE IDES OF MARCH: JOHN WILKES BOOTH,
GEORGE CLOONEY, AND 23 VOTES OF THE KNIFE

Any old scapegoat won’t do.
To wash away our sins we
need a truly buff mountain
goat. Enter the haruspex
Spurinna: Aye, Caesar, but
not gone
. There’s your money shot.
Let’s settle debts.  Empire or
Republic?  Senator or
Guv’nor?  History or fiction? 
My friend you might find the wind
is blowin’ in the answer.

March 16
INSULAR AREA CNMI  (AREA CODE 670)

or

ISLAS DE LOS LADRONES  (ISLANDS OF THE THIEVES)

No man is an island I
sang at camp but no island
is an island Organic
Acts assure. Galleons come and
go, talking of Magellan. 
With no private property,  
natives “stole” a skiff roped to
the poop of the captain’s ship.
The Enola Gay takes off,  
this time with nine delegates
in the businessman’s bomb bay. 

March 17
ELEPHANT EARS & NEVERGLADES: MARCO’S MEMOIR

Always said his parents fled
Castro’s Cuba until oops
papers showed they appeared in
Florida years sooner: Fidel
was still cooling his cigar
in Mexico. If only
the lie’d been bigger he could
have gone farther. This climate.
If you hold his right ear up
to your ear, you can hear the
rising ocean wave goodbye.

March 18
PROMISE RIOT

Though long-predicted the scene
is still one of shock and dis-
belief as you see clearly
now promises are breaking
out all over the vast floor
of this convention and we
have new footage for you where
you can see Security
try but fail to stop a lie
from just sucker-punching a
rumor on the street outside.

March 19
BRACKET BUSTING

The experts have their rankings
swipe screens clickers data sets
mined for historical truths
we hold not self-evident.
A fifteenth seed tenderly
planted in someone’s loamy
imagination may spring
entrepreneurial, whole,
while the first fourteen find no
purchase. Across the country:
a regression to the mean.

for Adam “Red Dog” Blitz
March 20
SPELLING BEE (C, D, F)

What you tried to do ain’t what
you did. Mathematical
proofs argue (elegantly)
this tunneling mole into
your intentions as far back
as junior high. In the gym
crepe bunting and wobbly booths
spell out the phat chance your vote
might, against published odds, make
the difference between raising
and razing Arizona.

for Sam Ekwurtzel
March 21
PLANS FOR ALTERING THE SONORAN DESERT (BORDER WALL)

After the candidates leave,
in spring night-blooming cacti
will wave white power flower
flags of surrender. Honey
bees, lesser long-nosed bats, black-
chinned hummingbirds, white-winged doves,
gilded flickers and gila
‘peckers all know money is
the pollen of politics.
A wall built out of wooden
ribs of shot dead saguaros.

March 22
BEING / RESPONSIBLE

To move underground freely
is a miracle: engine
of progress, the spinning minds
of engineered machines tuned
to what we want. Another
wonder: to fly from Brussels
to any spot on the globe
without wings, just the ticket.
What hunger prowls in human
beings who bomb, who fight to
claim responsibility?

March 23
Q: WHY DO PEOPLE TAKE SUCH AN INSTANT DISLIKE TO TED CRUZ?
A: IT JUST SAVES TIME

He leads with his chin only
because it was bolted on
by Carpentry while Makeup
was on union-mandated
break. His sphincter grimace melts
into a shit-eating smile
when he’s self-satisfied, which
is often. His sad puppy
eyes turn Doberman just as
he attacks, his eyebrows the
arch silent-movie villain.

March 24
COUNTING THE DEAD

Counting casualties like wired
crows: all the same, all different.
Bloody bits nail-blown onto
baggage scales preserved now for
DNA discovery.
When we count victims do we
count the suicide bombers?
They belong but don’t belong.
They are, were people. Oh Lord
are they not in that number
when the saints go marching in?

March 25
TRUMP CARD SLASH ACE IN THE HOLE

or

HOW COULD THERE BE FIVE WOMAN ON THE PLANET WHO WOULD WANT TO HAVE EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT EXTRA-MARITAL SEX WITH TED CRUZ?

Why does the “Lyin’ Ted” meme
have legs? Katrina Pierson
works for him. Last night she turned
her Instagram private. Am-
anda Carpenter
stonewalls
on TV. Sarah Isgur
Flores
must be why a Ted
super PAC strangely gave huge
bucks to a Carly super
PAC. FEC is interesTED.
TrusTED just might be BusTED.

March 26
NOT EXACTLY LINCOLN VS. DOUGLAS

After mating does Ted Cruz
get eaten by the female
wolf spider? Obviously
not, or he would not breathe to
spit these words yesterday: He’s
a man for whom a term was
coined for copulating with
a rodent. Well, let me be
clear: Donald Trump may be a
rat, but I have no desire
to copulate with him.
True?

March 27
FIRST QUARTER 2016, DRAWN AND QUARTERED

Asadabad, Istanbul,
Zitten, Quetta, Kouyape,
Ouagadougou, Bodo,
Mogadishu, Kerawa,
Kidal, Dalori, Dikwa,
Baidoa, Ntombi, Homs,
Meme, Grand-Bassam, Gombi,
Maiduguri, Yakshari,
Charsadda, Muqdadiyah,
Ankara, Brussels, Aden,
Iskandariya, Lahore…

March 28
THE BLACKER THE BERRY, THE SWEETER THE JUICE  (I)

Stud solider turned CIA
head David Petraeus mis-
handled his mistress as she
lapped Top Secret stuff off his
laptop while writing All In.     
Now having a Paula Broad-
well problem’s not Hillary’s
classified problem but she
sports the same lawyer, David
Kendall, who will vet what her
mistresses may have consumed.

THE BLACKER THE BERRY, THE SWEETER THE JUICE (II)

James Clapper, David Pecker: 
names too phony for fiction.
Whether Hillary is gay
or straight who cares? as she may
be bi- or even a- at
this juncture
the elder Bush 
would say. Natch. But for Huma
Abedin to marry that
sexting Weiner guy is some
kind of Texas hold ’em tell.    
What card might the server serve?

THE BLACKER THE BERRY, THE SWEETER THE JUICE (III)

Cheryl Mills founded the Black-
Ivy Group. Michelle Bachman
said the Muslim Brotherhood
had made “deep penetration”
in the halls of US.  Sydney
Leathers crashed Carlos Danger’s
party.  Roger Stone (leaving
no rock unturned nor rat un-
fucked) states Just Sue If Untrue.
Someday, Ted will give a TED
Talk: Cuban Mistress Crisis.      

duly noted:
On Sydney Leather’s previous website, her heroes were listed under the header:  “Sydney’s Hero’s Trending”   
1. President Obama   2. Bill Maher   3. Anthony Weiner   4. Bernie Sanders 5. Julian Assange  
6. Keith Olbermann   7. Alan Grayson   8. Rachel Maddow 9. John Stewart   10. Charlie Sheen
March 29
FORMULA

A sun forever setting. 
Bitter wrongs, father to son.  
An unkindness of money. 
Aroma of indifference.
Mother’s milk, poisoned, add death. 
White snakeroot, coffin pegs, cold.  
Meals of sweaty food and noise.   
Slashed for reading, books destroyed. 
Whipped, beaten, undefeated. 
Vaulting ambition, geared heat.    
Cardinal in late spring snow. 

March 30
MANHANDLING

What’s simple about simple
battery? What’s casual
about casualties? If if
a man holds a woman’s arm:
crime. This fragile flower thing  
smells unbecoming. Women  
fought to be in the scrum now
what have we become? Double
AA’s holding, losing, filing  
charges, depleting ourselves,
juiceless in/on Jupiter.

duly noted:
Florida state statute 784.03(1) (a):  “The offense of battery occurs when a person: 1. Actually and intentionally touches or strikes another person against the will of the other; or  2. Intentially causes bodily harm to another person.” 
March 31
SPIN ROOM: DISTAFF DIVISION

The uterus as focal
point. Discuss! Each candidate
claims special relation, plus
appeal to other party
organs: brain, heart, spleen, and skin
the odds-on favorites. Favorite
sons and daughters taut clawing 
for the tractive pull of polls.
Vexing and vague unconquered
territory, the body 
has always been politic.

April 1
ONLY BECAUSE THROWING SOMEONE UNDER THE PLANE IS AN ART WHICH HAS
YET TO BE PERFECTED, OR EVEN POPULARIZED, AND IS NOT YET TRENDING 

Back in the day you only
had to talk. Reporters would
report. Now you have to walk
back
what you talked if you talked
wrong. That walk is more exhaust-
ing than a thousand tweets. You
have to throw people under
the bus
who deserve it or
you will appear overly
loyal and/or weak. If you
have no bus, you must rent one.

April 2
METHINKS THE CANDIDATE DOST EVIDENCE A FEARSOME LACK OF LOGIC FOR ONE WHO WAS ONCE A STEADFAST & DOUGHTY MEMBER OF THE MUCH-LAUDED DEBATING ASSOCIATION OF THAT VENERABLE, IVY-BEDECKED INSTITUTION OF HIGHER LEARNING, PRINCETON.

or

CRINGE

You try to raise your kids right
but if my rough-and-tumble
teenage son raped my virgin
teenage daughter (let’s hope it
would be rape or things would be
even much worser) Ted Cruz
insists my girl bring any
resulting miracle to
term or she’d be murderer
but insists equally he
does not want women punished. 

April 3
“WE CANNOT KNOW HOW MANY INVENTORS, MUSICIANS, SCIENTISTS, ATHLETES, PHYSICIANS, AND ENTREPRENEURS WERE NEVER ALLOWED TO BREATHE THEIR FIRST BREATH OF LIFE.”  

Forget the guitarist more
blazing than Hendrix, the jump-
shooter purer than Curry. 
How many job-creating
baby entrepreneurs went
unborn? On his first day home
he could have schemed the Uber
for mothers’ milk, TaskRabbit
for his diapers. Roe Roe Roe
your boat gently up the stream
of royalties and sushi.  

duly noted:
January 22, 2013, “Sen. Cruz Statement on 40th Anniversary of Roe v. Wade” decries the Supreme Court decision “that overturned a Texas law” and notes the number of lives “lost to abortion” since 1973.  In addition to stating the metaphysical known unknown used verbatim for the poem’s title, the release states: “Today we mourn those 55 million souls.”
April 4
ON OBSERVING THE STRANGE NATURALLY-OCCURRING OR PERHAPS MAN-MADE PHENOMENON WHEREBY THE DEBATE “MODERATORS” AND BEAT REPORTERS ON THE TRAIL HAVE STOPPED ASKING THE REPUBLICAN GENTLEMEN VYING TO BE PRESIDENT ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE

It would be almost funny—
Beckett or Mamet funny,
tangled Shakespeare funny—if
the action of the present
upon the future were not
plain depredation. Act Twelve.
Curtain. We are not even  
rearranging deck chairs on
the Titanic anymore.
We are just waiting to see 
which deck chairs will get wet last.

for Spencer Glendon
April 5
ON, WISCONSIN!

Leave the cows alone. They’re fed
up with photo ops,  cheese-head
jokes, pols acting rural while
briefcased, power-tied sluts wait
offscreen in the back bench seats 
of idling black Suburbans
and Navigators. Secret-
service sunglasses throw back
the puffy passing clouds kids
draw. Let’s pretend they moo too:  
Can we give our milk in peace?  

April 6
POEM

Betting-markets quiver, keen.
Probabilities skinny.
She bruises, coughs, she sputters.
The punishing sun spreads hate.
First dates, pajamas, planes, sleep.
Bark, bark, bark, bark, ripe and ruin.
Time is the matter at hand.
Outrage pours from the plugged tap.
Lipstick on pigs: attractive.
Like and dislike, like dislike.
A stone in every worn shoe.

April 7
QUALIFICATIONS: RACE RIOT

Money be the mother’s milk
of politics, so a fresh
44 mill in Sanders’
bottle allows crying rights
’bout robber barons and free
tuition till Fresno in
June. Chicken in every pot,
pot in every kitchen, meth
fumes rising from every well-
armed park. Napalm-hot, just like
’68. Bern, Baby, Bern?

April 8
LIKE WATCHING YOUR HAIRY-EARED GRANDFATHER GO TOO FAR ON THE DANCE FLOOR AT A BAR MITZVAH PARTY WITH A WOMAN NOT HIS WIFE, YOU JUST WISH HE WOULDN’T

Her email smells off. Hawkish
on Iraq when she shoulda
woulda coulda known better.
Imperial Clintonish
entitlement, check. Too much
testosterone? Check under
the hood. Hard cash from oily,
gassy and banky interests.
The problematic pantsuits,
the clanging dull stump speeches.
But she’s not not qualified.

April 9
IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE

In Bern’s dream, Bailey Bros.
Building and Loan has grown strong
with the savings of average
Americans. The glow of
Christmas and Hanukkah (and
Kwanzaa) lights illuminate
a poster for the student
loan-forgiveness pogrom in
the gay window. Outside, snow
falls, warmly. Henry Potter:
in jail. “The End” is the start.

for Rob Usdan
April 10
ROY COHN

Goes to figure Trump was taught
the razor-bladed ropes by
a homophobic homo-
sexual, Jew-hating Jew
who never met a kike he
liked. Julius, Ethel. Pow-
er! All I can tell you is
he’s been vicious to others
in his protection of me.

Never mistake Gene for Joe
McCarthy. Past is present.

for Louis Schump
April 11
FADE IN:

EXT. “SECOND BAPTIST HIGH SCHOOL” (HOUSTON, 1988) – ESTABLISHING – DAY

A teenage boy appears on bicycle, in checked shirt, in front of a fountain.

TED
Aspirations? Is that like
sweat on my butt? No, no, I
see: what I want to do in
life?…My aspiration is
to be in a teen tit film
like that guy in..Malibu
Bikini Beach Shop.
Well, oth-
er than that, uh, take over
the world. World domination.
You know, rule everything. Rich.
Powerful. That sort of stuff.

April 12
MISSIONARIES! MISSSIONARIES!  WE’RE ON TOP!!! 

or

THE LAWN SIGNS TALLY BERNIE 7, EVERYBODY ELSE 2

Walla Walla Washington
killed its Indians in due 
course of human events, so 
laying the path for the wine
tastings and Main Street guitar 
festivals of present-day 
Postmodernia.  Whitman 
profs amble about, disgraced–
teams still The Missionaries.    
Votes for alternatives pour 
in. Enter Reverse Cowgirls.  

April 13
LEWIS & CLARK 

All schools trumpet famous grads,
erasing problem offspring 
Stalinstyle. Who’s kidding whom?  
On campus tour, her face pokes   
out from behind the Bernie-
postered dorm window. Grizzly
memory so rank in still graves 
they itch to cock their blunder-
busses and finger triggers,
as they have a special one 
in Monica Lewinsky. 

April 14
SHELL COMPANY

Double-Irish arrangement. 
Front company. Hold Co. New 
Co. Dummy. Special Purpose 
Vehicle.  Shadow banking  
frowns the shadow of her smile. 
Tax inversion: just the way 
the Founding Fathers drew it 
up. Avoidance evasion. 
Babes in Toyland, carrotting
rabbits, pressed juice: all campaigns 
have some pump and dump to them. 

April 15
DABIQ MARKS MUSLIM REP. KEITH ELLISON (D-MINN.) AND CLOSE 
CLINTON CONFIDANTE HUMA ABEDIN, ALSO MUSLIM, FOR DEATH, 
AS APOSTATES AND OVERT CRUSADERS NOT EVEN WEARING CLOAK
OF DA’WAH WHILE ENFORCING LAWS OF KUFR 

When Republican super 
PACs mark you for death, they mean
it metaphorically. Though 
to be real Republicans
are not, by nature, meta-
phoric. Genetically I
mean. ISIS, ISIL, Daesh—call  
them what you will or what they 
call their lying-, torturing-,
raping-, murdering-selves—they  
are less metaphoric still. 

April 16
A MORAL ECONOMY OF MOMENTS: BEFORE JETTING OFF
FOR LESBOS, TIME FOR A BAGEL WITH A PAPAL SCHMEAR 

Quote: We have created new 
idols. The worship of the 
golden calf of old has found
a new and heartless image 
in the cult of money and 
the dictatorship of an 
economy which is face-
less and lacking any tru-
ly humane goal. Bada bing. 
With that kinda riff you’da 
thought he’d do more than take five. 

April 17
SUNDAY SERMON: AVOIDING THE SLIPPERY SLOPE
FROM THE USE OF OBSCENE DEVICES TO ENGAGING
IN CONSENSUAL ADULT INCEST OR BIGAMY

or

TED CRUZ, SOLICITOR GENERAL / TEXAS RANGER, 2007 

There is no substantive-due-
process right to stimulate 
one’s genitals for non-med-
ical purposes unre-
lated to procreation
or outside of an inter-
personal relationship.  
The Texas Penal Code pro-
hibits the advertisement 
and sale of dildos, arti-
ficial vaginas, and oth-

duly noted:  
All italicized language lifted from the Solictor General’s legal brief arguing the State’s defense of Sections43.21 and 43.23 of the Texas Penal Code, known as the “Obscene Device Law,” in the case “Reliable Consultants v. Abbott,” and thereafter inserted into the above 7-Eleven. The state further argued that it had  “police-power interests in protecting public morals” and that “any alleged right associated with obscene devices” is not “deeply rooted in the Nation’s history and traditions.”  The basic thrust of the State’s position was in “discouraging prurient interests in autonomous sex and the pursuit of sexual gratification unrelated to procreation.”
April 18
CARPETBAGGING / CARPET BOMBING

If only they’d loved you more 
or better, you’d be less apt 
to need the widespread rapture. 
Project Sun Bath paved the way: 
Operation Arc Light, Op-
eration Rolling Thunder 

made the Theater glow. Then, “Big  
Belly” modifications  
upped Linebacker II’s payload. 
Obliteration might mean 
the love comes later, afresh.  

for Julian Lage 
duly noted:
Sir Arthur Tedder, May 6, 1943, during The Tunisia Campaign, noted in the press as “Tedder’s bomb-carpet” or more simply “Tedder’s carpet.”
April 19
7-ELEVEN

All things are about themselves. 
When a candidate needs to 
evoke the heroic meme
regarding firefighters
and police saving citi-
zens empirically from crum-
bling towers, but instead sub-
consciously invokes Slurpees,
Wild Cherry Slurpee Donuts,
fat-sizzling dogs and nitrate-
charged jerky, we know we’re home. 

April 20
FIGURES OF SPEECH

What does Schenectady stand
for? Might tight Kasich excrete
a delegate there, his first
since tuba-fart Ohio?
Big whoop! Synecdoche trumps
metonymy. Sinatra
sailing over riddling strings
favored asyndeton, and
he could make it anywhere,
including in this ballroom
amid dim echoism.

for W. S. DiPiero
April 21
GUESS WHO?

Outsider. No Big Money
donors. Against Iraq War.
Won’t let folks die in the streets—
everyone covered. Appeal
to angry “disenfranchised”
whites. Voodoo economics.
Tells it like it is. Against
Free Trade. Against rigged system.
All enemies corrupt pols.
Woodpecker stump speech. Base: low-
info, rabid, believers.

April 22
PRINCE: I WANNA BE YOUR LOVER (AUGUST 24, 1979)
CRUZ: HAVE WE GONE STARK-RAVING NUTS? (APRIL 21, 2016)

Imagine Ted as Tom Jones 

singing Kiss. Imagine him
doing The Bird with Morris
Day & The Time; pop-locking
with Chaka Khan through I Feel
For You
; full-face like Sinead
lip-syncing Nothing Compares
2 U
; complaining about
his Manic Monday workload
with The Bangles. No? Prince would,
laughing, like right now, and still.

for Prince Rogers Nelson, In Memoriam
(June 7, 1958-April 21,2016)
April 23
GUESS WHO? TOO

Raise taxes on the rich! Check.
NOT religious. Check. (Though kvells
over unhidden Jewish
family). Uncheckable math
on bold proposals. Check. Scant
record of accomplishments.
Check. Gun rights advocate. Check.
Repeats himself. Repeats him-
self. Check. Check. LGBT
okay! Check. Bathroom bills: thumbs
down. Check. Few black votes. Checkmate.

April 24
PENNSYLVANIA LOOPHOLE PRIMARY

Before loophole meant a means
of escape or evasion,
or opportunity to
elude a rule or law, it
meant a smallish or narrow
opening in a wall, for
looking through, for admitting
light and air, but mostly in
a fortification, for
discharging missiles against
a sworn enemy outside.

April 25
TAG TEAM

Being mathematically
dead
has its advantages:
freedom to draw and paint out-
side the explicit boxes
pre-printed on stern white sheets.
Ted, meet John. John, Ted. Agreed!
Pro wrestling ain’t phony. Just
the results are phony. That’s
why it’s called professional.
The feelings of the paying
customers always be real.

for Sam Seaman
April 26
TAG TEAM

The writing is on the wall
so I read what it said:TUCK
FRUMP
. Buddy, the just-dead ex-
Rhody boss, stuffs a body
in his Caddy trunk, gestures
with lit cigarette, and drives
playing “The Summer Wind” down
to the deserted river.
Splash! The big difference between
big and small time can be just
Chris Paul’s third metacarpal.

for Mark Rowland
April 27
CARTOON

So the snarly Tea Party
prig and the pockmarked pancake-
into-piehole fracking free-
loader get swirled up into
a dark stormtrooper sky by
The Tangerine Tornado
then fall to the street where they
get turned two-dimensional
by a steamroller. The whole
Party has poopy diapers.
Now who’s going to change them?

April 28
LOVE MATCH

In search of a running mate
with a vagina, Ted Cruz
fingers a female mammal
with the look of a police
artist’s facial composite
who sings to his dainty girls:
Don’t enter the wrong restrooms
where transgender “men” ride brooms!

Is this the first time a rat
has ever climbed aboard a
sinking ship for just deserts?

April 29
PEARL SKIRVIN BECAME PERLE MESTA AND CARA CARLETON SNEED BECAME CARLY FIO…

Carly’s creepy “we get to
play on the bus all day” song
for Caroline and Catherine
Cruz is to the tune of I.
Berlin’s “You’re Just in Love” from
an obscure Ethel Merman
musical Call Me Madam,
a political satire
based on the real-life doings
of a D.C. socialite,
“the hostess with the mostest.”

duly noted:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LAijDQ2cIE
Richard Nixon, Grand Jury Testimony, June 1975: “Perle Mesta wasn’t sent to Luxembourg because she had big bosoms. Perle Mesta went to Luxembourg because she made a good contribution.”
http://content.time.com/time/covers/0,16641,19490314,00.html
April 30
MONEY

When she wins big she gets all
munificent, for a mo-
ment, baking-tin voice warming
to the occasion as she
friskily cuddles her hurt-
ing opponent. She mouths: I
applaud Senator Sanders
for challenging us to get
unaccountable money
out of our politics
. She
meant uncountable money.

May 1
MISSING THINGS (MUST BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE)

A carpet without bombing.
Clinton’s Goldman Sachs golden
speech transcripts. Donald’s tax re-
turns. Carly’s heebie-jeebie
ditty: The Last Three Verses.
Babies being offered up
by parents to be kissed on
the campaign trail. (No one wants
these guys leaving bodily
fluids on their babies.) The
H in huge. Huckabee. Jeb!

May 2
WORDS OF THE DAY

Amid friction of frantic
birling, all wet tumescent
bromides and jejune blarney
pockmark wayworn galumphing.
Slugabed pundits tsk tsk
obstreperous parvenus.
Haplography gives us rump.
Minimax gives us flummoxed
melees splotched by tommyrot.
Perhaps we will end with one
big fat kakistocracy.

May 3
YOU ARE SURROUNDED, GIVE YOURSELF UP (A NEW OLD SONG FOR THE BUS)

Indiana wants me, Lord
I can’t go back there. If a
man ever needed dyin’,
he did. No one had the right
to say what he said about
you. And it’s so cold and lone-
ly here without you. Out there
the law’s a comin’, I’m scared
and so tired of runnin’. It
hurts to see the man that I’ve
become. (Etc.) (Sirens.)

May 4
DEARLY DEPARTED

In Ted’s household—he took pains
to inform us—when a child
behaves in a childish way,
he (meaning she) gets spanked. That
will teach them to hate (and love)
strongmen. Not strong men. You just
got taken to the woodshed
and whupped. Ass ripped up. Beaten
with a switch. Belted. Hoosier
daddy now? Ohhh-bliv-i-on.
Have you learned your lesson, boy?

May 5
ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER THAT YOU’LL EVER DO

Trouble remembering that
Howard Dean Steve Forbes and Newt
Gingrich each won two states Ed
Muskie won three to five based
how you count Pats Buchanan
and Robertson both won four
and Linda Ronstadt shagmate
Jerry Brown won six last time
he ran means you won’t recall
squat about sad sack Kasich
some years hence since he won one.

May 6
YOU ARE SURROUNDED, GIVE YOURSELF UP (A NEW OLD SONG FOR THE BUS)

Mick: I went to London School
of Economics. Donald:
I went to Wharton, one of
the best, the best school really.
Mick: Brown Sugar at rallies?
Y’know what that song’s about?
Donald: Heroin? Slavery?
Sex? I’m cool with those last two
plus we both know it’s not words
it’s the feeling we’re selling.
Mick: You make a grown man cry.

May 7
MOUNTEBANK

Charlatan, huckster, grifter, 
fraud: the riches of English 
teem with phony gold: sham, quack, 
fake, cheat, con. But one term rules,  
king for our three-card monte 
escalator descender
who firmly mounts the public
bench as a loyal German 
shepherd mounts a quivering mutt: 
by instinct, without a care,
and with a glint in his eye. 

for Norman Atkins 
May 8
MOTHER’S DAY

In the wee village of Tong,
just up from Stornoway on
the wild Isle of Lewis,
was Mary Anne MacLeod born,
10th of May, Nineteen and Twelve,
in No. 3 Tong, a croft
house made of peat smoke, porridge
and potatoes, flaying thatch
of Gaelic hymn and some trout.
Years later her son would sport
her Viking helmet of hair.

for Lucy Skaer
May 9
APP

Donald has an app to make
the powerless feel power
full: it imagines you watch-
ing him tweet pics of the tits
of his wife bathed in the gold
of his name riding the Fear
Float of convenient scapegoats
parading from his fishy
lips. Women’s version: to come.
The app is free (of course) but
you will pay a special price.

May 10
BETTER APP

Bernie has an app to make 
the powerless feel power-
ful: it imagines you beat-
ing a banker or broker 
on The Street with a hemp bag
crammed with your crappy mortgage
or student debt, plus the dread 
from your dead-end job. Black and
Hispanic versions: to come. 
The app is high but paid for   
by taxing the 1%. 

May 11
BFF APP*

Hill’ry has an app to make 
the affiliative feel 
affiliated: after 
flipping through I’m On Her, I’m 
In Her, and I’m Beneath Her, 

it settles down with the least 
bad blurred border slogan: I’m 
With Her
.  Student, White Male, and 
Idealist versions: to come. 
The app is free with a do-
nation to her Foundation. 

duly noted:
Best Friend Forever (or until November); Best Faux Friend (for Bernie realists); Best Frenemy Forever (for Republicans who feel they are left with no other choice); Boyfriend Forever (for those who think Hillary’s butch)
May 12
ALWAYS TAKE PAINS

You surely thought Trump buffoon
but vis a vis quiddity:
Trickster true to Yoruba
tale curling ‘cross centuries:
Tortoise and Elephant, Howl.
You were 0 for 2, with two
strikeouts, on Inaugural
Poems for Obama. The burn
and stomach-punch from that: dis-
figuring. Always Take Pains.
Life goes on but you do not.

for Michael S. Harper, In Memoriam
(March 18, 1938 – May 7, 2016)
May 13
MR. TRUMP GOES TO WASHINGTON

or

THE TORTOISE AND THE ELEPHANT 

The King took ill. He was near
death. A consultant who dwelt 
in the evil forest was 
consulted. The King would need 
a cure made from elephant 
parts cooked Right. The Tortoise knew
how to do it, how to lure 
the dangerous giant to 
the deep pit he’d ordered dug. 
Got the job. Signifying
Monkey biz. Cloakroom dagger.

May 14
AFTER MEETING THE DONALD, HOUSE SPEAKER PAUL RYAN CLEARS HIS THROAT (NOT HIS CONSCIENCE) AND DECLARES THAT THEY HAVE ONLY
A “FEW DIFFERENCES” REMAINING, FOR INSTANCE…

He feels flat-chested women 
are unlikely to ever 
be “10s” but the most comely  
among them may be “7s.”
He feels women cannot be 
dogs, no matter how homely. 
He thinks those women are deer.  
He feels unpleasant women
are not pigs, but rather, voles. 
So goes the vital matter 
of Saving Public Ryan.

May 15
JOHN MILLER, FAKE PUBLICIST FOR DONALD TRUMP, PLAYED BY DONALD TRUMP (HIMSELF) (BUT NOT AS HIMSELF) BRAGS TO REPORTER THAT MADONNA WANTS TRUMP, THAT TRUMP TOOK CARLA BRUNI FROM MICK JAGGER (AFTER MICK TOOK HER FROM ERIC CLAPTON), THAT TRUMP SAVVILY SCREWED HIS FIRST WIFE OUT OF MILLIONS, AND THAT TRUMP (HIM) HAS A “WHOLE OPEN FIELD” OF WOMEN TO PICK FROM,AND DISCUSSES OTHER MATTERS WHICH WOULD COME TO AFFECT THE COURSE OF AMERICAN DEMOCRACY, IF NOT THE WORLD, SOME TWENTY-FIVE YEARS HENCE  

or

I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT, YOU’RE TELLING ME ABOUT IT FOR THE FIRST TIME, THIS SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF THE SCAMS, ONE OF THE MANY SCAMS, DOESN’T SOUND LIKE ME, I DON’T THINK IT WAS ME, IT DOESN’T SOUND LIKE ME, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT  (5/13/16) 

Well, he treats everybody 
well. He’s a good guy and he’s 
not going to hurt any-
body. I mean, he paid his 
wife a great deal of money. 
I’m somebody that he knows…
I think somebody that he
trusts and likes. So I’m gonna
do this a little part-time, 
then go on with my life, too. 
He’s got a whole open field. 

May 16
THE MOST IMPORTANT ARGUMENTS YOU HAVE ARE WITH YOURSELF 

Donnybrook or dithyramb, 
we slice with a snickersnee 
and let the fleshy juicy 
morsels flow into the stain-
less steel cups of our want. Which 
kind of timocracy do 
we want? Or want not at all.  
Our cups are collapsible
and leak champagne’s frothing pink 
truth: if only the rich rule, 
is this all amphigory?

May 17
PYROCLASTIC FLOW

Ash, dust, scoria, pumice. 
A man invents a past. Tuff. 
A man denies it. Tephra. 
Founding Fathers wrote under
pseudonyms. A non-candid
candidate creates phony 
publicists, falter egos, 
but oh long ago. Teflon.  
This lahar of news—knowing
nothing—blasts a path for our 
wounded peacock of Pompeii. 

for Mark Dresser & Kris Davis 
May 18
TIT FOR TAT

To watch the two Democrats
trade tit for tat while the wolf
(red in tooth and claw and tweet)
is at the fern-filled den door
brings to mind the old story
about reciprocated
altruism, game theory,
peer-to-peer file sharing,
optimistic unchoking,
the prisoner’s dilemma, and   
the Golden Bamboo Lemur.  

for Billie Miro Breskin
May 19
STUMP SPEECH

Equality and Freedom,
mongoose and cobra, you know
there are those who say this e-
lection is about a move-
ment, not business as usual.   
Yes!  We all know that the Nag
and Nagaina tale lives past
Rikki-Tikki-Tavi. How
to make “America First”
rhyme with “The White Man’s Burden”…?
You might ask what the poem means.

May 20
ANOTHER AIRPLANE

Another bomb? Or simply
a cockpit struggle between
pilots who differed? Missile?
Malfunction? Whose flaw made this
Egyptian flying tomb? Who
made the plane a shattered sub-
human submarine? My boy
eye-rolls through college visits,  
attempting to believe in
what human beings can do, what
the warm future might feel like.

for Thelonious Blue Breskin
May 21
ENGINEERING

Whether the center holds, or
not, is best left for the ref
to decide. The assembled
boldfaced names of the Right swarm 
the Facebook campus to hear
data engineers speak truth
to power. Fact: the Rapid  
Unscheduled Disassembly
of their vehicle is no
fault divorce. Search for frozen
0-rings in code futile. 😢

May 22
MANY HAPPY RETURNS 

Short-fingered vulgarians
and other-proclivitied
politicians also run-
ning for president have long
coughed-up their tax returns ’cause
that’s how we keep score here in 
this here country. One said he’d
release his soon as Monkey
African President coughed 
up birth papers. Monkey did, 
then other monkey didn’t.  

May 23
THE PLANTATION

Going to do far better
with Hispanics than any-
one thought. I have thousands work-
ing for me. When this is o-
ver, one of my first pictures 
is going to be me at 
the Doral with a thousand 
of my people working there, 
most of whom are Hispanic
and all who love Trump. Some own 
for life. Some own by the hour. 

May 24
PROSAIC QUERY 

What makes a dank billionaire
give millions to another 
billionaire who won’t spend a 
lone billion of his supposed 
ten to assume the polished 
crown as the world’s most power-
ful man, especially when 
that billionaire made a proud
point of selfie self-funding
to show he would not be owned 
under any circumstance?

May 25
MUSCLE

A squirrel with nuts. Coppers on
horseback. Flame-red muscle cars:
Camaros, Firebirds. Flag
of Mexico, shot in street.  
Sleeper cells, paranoid eye
phone android de toke ville. A
rally is a car race. Low
riders. Tattoos. Tear gas, skid
marks. We’re Americans. We  
like to blow stuff up real good.

May 26
LET’S

Let’s go forwards backwards. Let’s 
retreat into the future. 
Let’s not let nothing stop us. 
Let’s join the club that wants us. 
Let’s come together. Let’s be
real. Let’s plan to hook up in 
that park we like so much we
killed all the grass with our cleats. 
Let’s smell it like it is, you
know, the flatulent expense
of our electioneering.

May 27
ITEMS DEPOSITED ON THE SIDEWALK DURING A BRIEF WALK ON THE 
WEST SIDE OF MANHATTAN, BEWEEN 23ND ST AND 47TH ST, TODAY 
(IMAGINE THIS HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE COMING ELECTION) 

One silver Lamborghini 
Aventador (for washing 
and detailing.) One painting
crate with a multimillion
dollar painting inside. One 
brochure for resort-inspired 
amenities in Zaha
Hadid’s posthumous condo.
One homeless woman’s epic 
crap under her Banana
Republic white skirt, lifted.  

May 28
THE SECRETARY OF STATE’S NEGLIGEE   

Inspector generals inspect
ex post facto. Such licensed 
high espial flenses fact 
from fiction, blood from blubber.
Her knickers in a twist, bunched 
awkwardly at her ankles, 
she trips over the limbo 
bar of her high ideals set
low. Diaphonous motives. 
She just wishes she could be 
left to her own devices. 

duly noted:
Word Origin and History for negligee – 1756, “a kind of loose gown worn by women,” from French négligée, noun use of fem. past participle of négligier “to neglect” (14c.), from Latin neglegere “to disregard, not heed, not trouble oneself about,” also “to make light of” (see neglect (v.)).  So called in comparison to the elaborate costume of a fully dressed woman of the period.  Borrowed again, 1835; the modern sense “semi-transparent, flimsy, lacy dressing gown” is yet another revival, first recorded 1930.  It also was used in the U.S. funeral industry mid-20c. for “shroud of a corpse.”  Online Etymology Dictionary, 2010 Douglas Harper
May 29
IRREVERENT WARRIORS: THE SILKIES HIKE (22 WITH 22 FOR THE 22)

From the Willie Mays statue
to Ocean Beach, a hike/pub
crawl/ruck of 22 klicks
humping 22 kilos
donning silkies and downing
beers and shots at stops. Mission:
To raise awareness of Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder,
our 22 vets (average)
who suicide each day. Flags,
body-painting optional.

May 30
MEMORIAL DAY 

Start of summer fun: smoking
tires at Indy, beach outings, 
backyard barbecues, half-off
sales, another day learning 
nothing not in school. Who now
speaks the names of the lost? This
year I’ll take the kids to graves
whispering who was killed by whom
in what war when. Who we killed. 
Who killed us. Who killed themselves. 
I want it to hurt. It should.

May 31
STRANGELY, THERE WAS BERNIE, UNANNOUNCED, AT A PARADE TO THE
GRAVES OF THE VETS, SOME HOURS BEFORE ATTENDING WARRIORS/
THUNDER GAME 7 (DUB NATION SOLIDARITY, STRENGTH IN NUMBERS

Flanked by obvious Secrets
in sunglassed, earpieced glory, 
some distance from the Spanish
cannons of two centuries past, 
there he be, hunched over, bright
sunburn crowning his fading 
white halo. Me: “Thank you for 
speaking truth to power, but 
please remember who our real 
enemy is.” He: “Thank you,  
and I will, I promise you.”

June 1
JUNE BABOON SWOON MOON LOON TUNE HARPOON

If history don’t repeat
itself but rhymes why in these
times do we have none but slant
and half if that? Goofy. Sleaze. 
Sloppy. Grubby. Sad. Crude. Dog.
Penguin. Pocahontas. Rigged.
Fraud. Disgusting. Dumb. Puppet. 
Racist. Hater. Bombed. Bad. Fail. 
Boring. Garbage. Weak. Choker. 
Corrupt. Troubled. Phony. Clown. 
Soft. Buffoon. Total loser.  

June 2
EMPTY POSSESSIONS  

Look around, look around: stuff
we don’t need much cluttering
the country, private storage
units abound in safety
orange and poured concrete, banging
roll-up metal-door treasure
troves. In basketball, coaches
call possessions ending in
turnovers empty. What if
this whole election ended
up being exactly that? 

June 3
PRESUMPTIVE

After careful study—deep  
into the night for many
nights his lustrous laptop burned,
illuminating the dense
web of delicately con-
structed positions of the
presumptive nominee on
taxes, civics, domestic
affairs, foreign policy—
The Speaker of the House trum-
pets: he’s the man for the job.

June 4
GONZALO P. CURIEL

If this judge is Mexican
then I am purely Russian
and Donald Trump the grandson
of Friedrich Drumpf of Kallstadt
Germany and Mary Smith
MacLeod of Tong Scotland would
be 50/50 German
Scottish but if this country
has any balls at all it’s
’cause we made ourselves anew.
Or are they called cojones?

June 5
LOOK AT MY AFRICAN-AMERICAN OVER HERE!
LOOK AT HIM! ARE YOU THE GREATEST?

Piece of cake, the candidate
sees him in a sea of white
faces in Redding, CA.
(His use of the possessive
leaves some unamused on the
Left, while the Right could care less.)
Praised next: Slugging, cold-cocking
protesters. Are we having
fun?
The lectern’s TRUMP sign, cock-
eyed from the start, begins to
fall, grip slipping, in the heat.

June 6
LOOK AT MY AFRICAN-AMERICAN OVER HERE!
LOOK AT HIM! ARE YOU THE GREATEST?

If the question had only
been addressed to Muhammad
Ali the answer would ring
clear. That man taught me more style,
poetry and history,
more civics than a shuffling
ministry of school teachers.
Would that he could rope-a-dope
The Donald in Kinshasa?
Or call buffoon gorilla.
He was mine. Yours. Theirs. And ours.

for Muhammad Ali, In Memoriam
(January 17, 1942 — June 3, 2016)
June 7
TRUMP UNIVERSITY: INTRODUCTORY COURSES IN THE OTHER DEPARTMENTS

Biology: The Penis:
A Short Introduction
. Psych:
Id, Ego, Superduper-
ego
. Cosmetology:
Orange Is The New White. German
Studies: Overlooked Aspects
Of All The Good The Fuhrer
Did Which He Gets No Credit
For
. Earth Science: Truth, Dare, Or
Hoax?
  Women’s Studies: Plastic
Surgery: It’s Not Too Late
.

June 8
THE STRUGGLE CONTINUES (MORE OR LESS)

“Inside the bitter last days
of Bernie’s revolution,”
Politico‘s banana
peel slip dishing the flipped script
of his California FAIL.
Rage against the machine, Bern
it down. Talk about yourself
in third person. “Screw me? No,
screw you.” Why choose to knife fight?
Sorry, you’re unqualified.
The Struggle, etcetera.

June 9
JUNE 5, 1968

Juan Romero cradled his
head, placed a rosary in
his hand. “Is everybody
okay?” the candidate asked.
“Yes, everybody’s okay,”
Juan replied. The candidate
then turned his head away from
the kneeling young busboy, and
issued his final statement:
“Everything’s going to be
okay.” He was dead wrong. Right?

June 10
BOBBY AND BERNIE (CALIFORNIA)

No metal detector. No
stop and frisk. No cordon, fence
or shield. Only two nervous
Secret Service guys, paces
away, on Memorial
Day, when I walked up to Bern,
shook his hand, and exchanged words.
I could have done some worse thing,
easy, changing his story,
and mine. ‘Twas thrilling, scary,
creepy. It’s a free country.

June 11
STEMWINDER

To watch Elizabeth rip
a certain someone a new
youknowhat is to feel fresh
air breezing, not hard blowing,
into the wobbly public
square. Fit and trim for battle,
she plays the sassy schoolmarm
who can punch above her weight.
Enough rodomontade from
unprincipled principals!
Soon we’ll see her best left hook.

for Julie Breskin
June 12
TO WAKE UP

on Sunday morning in this
sunny city, the fog cleared,
triathletes swmming from
Alcatraz to their bikes and
feet, Amazonian green
parrots (non-natives) wheeling
gaily by my window, then
hear news that Omar Mateen
so hated to see kissing
men he murdered as many
as he could, is to feel queer.

June 13
NOW, FOR THE 72 VIRGINS (IN A TWO-FOR-ONE SPECIAL, AN ISIS MUFTI HAS PROMISED 144 IF A MARTYR IS KILLED AT THE HANDS OF THE AMERICANS)

The science is not settled
as to what awaits Omar
in Heaven. The texts are in-
conclusive. But it’s what he
felt that counts. He might have bet
on pure girls, eyes like pearls, but
could end instead with young boys
of perpetual freshness
.
Probably what he wanted
anyway, hating himself
and all of them for wanting.

http://www.military.com/video/operations-and-strategy/terrorism/cleric-permits-killing-us-women-children/3776097067001
“A houri is a most beautiful young woman with a transparent body. The marrow of her bones is visible like the interior lines of pearls and rubies. She looks like red wine in a white glass. She is of white color, and free from the routine physical disabilities of an ordinary woman such as menstruation, meopause, urinal and offal discharge, child bearing and the related pollution. A houri is a girl of tender age, having large breasts which are round (pointed), and not inclined to dangle. Houris dwell in palaces of splendid surroundings. ” Al-Tirmidhi (824-892) Jami’ at-Tirmidhi
June 14
THE METAMORPHOSIS BUSINESS

He’s a nobody. He’s a
customer
, said the owner
of the St. Lucie Shooting
Center where Omar Mateen
bought his 9 mm
semiautomatic pis-
tol and his AR-15
assault rifle. Worm into
butterfly, becoming some-
body in a single night,
then no body once again.

June 15
AND YET HE CONTINUES TO PRIORTIZE OUR ENEMY…

Ever since he was born (un-
fortunately) Barack Hus-
sein Obama (in Kenya
by the way) has not been one
of US. Bananas. Water-
melon. Basketball. You know.
Or he gets it better than
anybody understands
.
Way he smells. Ears. Mole. People,
people say he’s got cooties.
He’s got something else in mind.

June 16
APOPHASIS

I will not mention the man
who often rings this cracked bell
in broad speech and dripping tweet
as a way of saying some-
thing more yet less and something
less yet more than the thing it-
self he claims not to say nor
will I even point out his
cowardice or treachery
since doing so would only
give him smug satisfaction.

June 17
AND IN THE CATEGORY OF THE FIRST MAMMAL GONE EXTINCT FROM HUMAN-CAUSED CLIMATE CHANGE, THE WINNER IS……….THE BRAMBLE CAY MELOMYS (MELOMYS RUBICOLA). UNFORTUNATELY, THE BRAMBLE CAY MELOMYS COULD NOT BE HERE TONIGHT, SO ACCEPTING THE AWARD FOR HER IS HER FELLOW COUNTRYMAN AND GREAT BARRIER REEF ENTHUSIAST, RUPERT MURDOCH.

Whether the extensive ex-
halations of pols and pun-
dits was sufficient to cause
temperature’s upward trend, or
whether our fire-making
ways, the lit match of our sheer
industry, punked the planet
just quite enough finally
is always so hard to know,
since the giant Fox tells us
the science isn’t settled.

for Mark Hart III
June 18
OBAMA IS A SPECIAL KIND OF STUPID

Exploiting a sick, evil,
ideological-driv-
en attack on Ameri-
cans to further your twisted
anti-Second Amendment
mission is disgusting. 15
MILLION PLUS WOMEN HAVE DE-
CIDED TO OWN A FIREARM.
YOU MIGHT CALL IT A WOMAN’S
RIGHT TO CHOOSE.
–Sarah Palin,
Facebook post, First Amendment.

June 19
APOPHYSIS

A garden-variety
xeonophobia always
masks irregular swelling
in the body politic.
Who’s to say what’s unreason-
able in fear’s brackish crunch?
A reason for Brexit, brunch,
Remain Calm & Carry On.
Let’s watch each fresh new shooting
stalk time-lapse the horizon.
Projection. Protuberance.

June 20
MANDATORY POEM

You campaign in poetry.
You govern in prose. Cuomo
quote from thirty years ago
still good to go but look here
at the two and a third job
seekers: all hammers searching
bent nails, proud of the surface,
to smash flush. Esctatic dance
it’s not. Trial balloons filled
with natural gas. Polls. Cash.
There is no poetry here.

for Zohar Atkins
June 21
GUN CONTROL

Bombs misdirect energy.
Sloppy. Tricky. Unready-
made. Poison’s old school. Too-too.
Peaceful. Requires Chem 1.
Knives be blunt. Wet work. Thuck thuck.
Fists: appalling passion. Clear
crimp of self-limitation.
Elimination’s process
proves plain to we, the people,
a gun’s the best way to win
an argument with the world.

June 22
MEMO TO THE 45% OF SANDERS SUPPORTERS WHO IN A RECENT POLL INDICATE THEY WON’T VOTE FOR HILLARY CLINTON (22% SAY THEY’LL
VOTE TRUMP, 18% FAVOR LIBERTARIAN GARY JOHNSON, 5% SAY OTHER)

Are you on drugs? Are you so
badly Bernt that Rage Against
The Machine is the only
band you’ll play? Thinking crooked?
You know anything about
Libertarianism?
(The word takes up a whole line!)
Trump? Angry White People Sucked
In By Personality
Cult Who Want To Blow Things Up?
Sound like you? Low Blow? Discuss.

June 23
THE SPEAKER OF OUR HOUSE, DEEP INTO THE NIGHT

Who does the Speaker speak for?
The DONT TREAD ON ME crowd, fear-
ful of Big Brother snuffing
their God- or Founding Father-
given right (easily con-
fused) to fondle guns under
covers, freely, and the free
Association rifles
enjoy with themselves and Right-
ful Owners, bloody well-paid
for rattlesnakes rising, or…

June 24
BREXIT (HIGH TEA REMIX)

The Intolerable Acts.
1774.
A Royal Bureaucratic
Aristocracy, Brussels.
2016. Natives.
Nativism. Coloni-
alism. Other ism.
Islamism. Indians.
Alexander Hamilton.
A billionaire on Scottish
course cuts ribbons, ties, and sails.

June 25
I WISH TO SPEAK TO YOU TODAY ABOUT THE TRAGEDY
OF EUROPE (THE UNITED STATES OF EUROPE SPEECH)

Indeed, but for the fact that
the great Republic across
the Atlantic Ocean has
at length realised that the ruin
or enslavement of Europe
would involve their own fate as
well, and has stretched out hands of
succour and guidance, the Dark
Ages would have returned in
all their cruelty and squalor.
They may still return. –Churchill

June 26
POPULISM

Populism is sometimes
popular. Bubblegum pop,
pinpricked balloon. But sometimes
it’s botulism and makes
a whole nation spasm and
curl on the cold bathroom floor
of its half-hearted regret,
and ‘tween bouts of puking the
fuck up, it drools a new day,
a barker or mountebank
with a wicked, fresher tale.

June 27
COME TOGETHER, RIGHT NOW, OVER ME

As far Right and far Left grow
apart they get closer to-
gether and eventually
meet at the dark middle of
the backside of our sphere (all
things us being round and not
flat) and unite there, finding
some available Moloch
to suit their needs, and return
to the perfect toddler state:
in thrall to Mom, fed, sleeping.

June 28
THE OBLIGATION TOWARD THE DIFFICULT WHOLE

Automagical surprise.
Microtargeted leaners.
Psychographic voter maps.
Digital outreach sample
pack. Focus group data dump.
Trend harvest. Bias toolbox.
Protocols. Robocalls. Lawn
signs. Infrastructure reboot.
Brexpert dismissal. Code smell.
Between Philly and Pittsburgh,
PA is Alabama.

June 29
ATATURK AIRPORT, ISTANBUL

One: I grabbed my family and
ran. Someone waved us into
the prayer room and hid us there
.
Two: I thought about using
boiling tea water as a
weapon to burn the attack-
er if he found us in the
closet so my wife can run
.
Three: My girl, my girl, my girl.
I have no other, I had
only one
. Four, Five, Six, Sev-

for Mimi Chakarova
June 30
VISCERAL

Speaking from the gut is like
seeing with knees or smelling
from the spine. Nonetheless we
find, in his gut, the pickled
remains of beautiful deals,
chewed newspapers, stupendous-
ly tough bacteria, old
Playboy centerfolds, rusting
lunchboxes of abandoned
factories, a Thanksgiving
play costume from 4th grade, mints.

NOT SO VISCERAL

Federally-mandated
inspection of the contents
of her well-insulated
stomach cites: senior thesis
on Saul Alinksy, french fries,
Blackberry instruction man-
ual, one purple dental
dam, remnants of gift fragrance
from some ambassador (Eau
de Entititlement
), a map
of the world, twelve talking points.

July 1
WHITE MEN

Lotta talk ’bout how white men
feel disenfranchised but last
I looked white men could still vote.
Just they ain’t the only ones
no more. News Flash: Those Days, Gone.
As new polls show white men want
HIM over HER by thirty
monstrous percent, a final
solution may be called for:
a sex-change operation
and hardcore home tanning bed.

July 2
MY COUNTRY, ‘TIS OF THEE

How to be a civilian
when all around you combat-
ants crawl? Impossible Germ-
any unlikely England.
At Spanish truckstop, ponder
Regrexit. Why was I born?
Why am I living? What do
I get? What am I giving?
Jokers to the left of me,
walls to the right, here I am,
stuck in the middle with you.

for Nels Cline
July 3
UNCONVENTIONAL (I WENT BACK TO OHIO BUT MY CITY WAS GONE)

To summarize: Immigrants
roam free while in foreign lands
data roaming is so dear
facts get manufactured (jobs!)
to suit his meaty hot dog
vowels. Cops shot but blacks not.
Law and Order. Law and/or
else. Shots of Fear, knocked back. I:
I alone can fix it. The
face of Herr Drumpf, in full cry,
was redder than expected.

for Ellen Darst
July 24
THE KAINE MUTINY

The angry Sandernistas
who barely see the point of
jumping on Hillary’s list-
less ship, doldrummed, adrift in
internationally sanc-
tioned waters, now are beside
themselves (and beside those selves
they are besides, sharks) over
the pick of this white male man
who might rudder right. Where are
those strawberries? Cue: steel balls.

July 25
BERNED

Was Bernie born last night? Acts
it. Lifelong INDEPENDENT
(all respect to that, brother!)
he “becomes” a Dem to run
for Prez (as if Born Again
in turgid, gator’d water)
only to later act shocked,
shocked
that the Being Powers
of Dem Nat Com behind scenes
favor lady who’s punched and
been punched for them her whole life.

for Isabel Breskin
July 26
AMERICA FIRST

You only take the smallest
sips of water while sewing
His shirts because bathroom breaks
cause missed quotas. Every day
a wall of heat and cruel supes
and a buck sixty an hour.
The company food makes you
sick, so for lunch you reach through
the fence for something better,
at the big Protexsa plant
in Choloma, Honduras.

July 27
BUBBA

Look, we know they fucked at least
once–Chelsea clearly appears
clapping in her luxury
box a 50/50 blend
of them two. He gives his speech,
attempting for a sort of
valiant modesty, his first
official try-out for First
Gentleman. His once plumply
pink cheeks have hollowed, but he
still’s got rhythm, and knows how.

July 28
HACK

If only the IRS
dam leaked like the DNC’s,
then, to counter Trump’s fishlipped
kiss to Putin’s arse, and his
polite request that Russia
hack more of her sweet nothings,
she would only have to ask
the Chinese military
(who made up “global warming”)
to locate the last thirty
years of his happy returns.

August 7
GOLD STAR QUESTION

It was a picture that moved
the Secretary of State
to come out of the closet
for Obama in Oh Eight:
a mother with her head on
the headstone of her son’s grave.
Not Ghazala with her son
but another Kahn in stone:
Kareem Rashad Sultan Khan.
Do you want a big country?
Or do you want a small one?

August 8
JULIAN ASSANGE

could be zipped in a “Diplo-
matic Body Bag” and snuck
to Ecuador so rapt, un-
known to Authorities, but
thermal imaging of said
bag at Heathrow would reveal
his heat and allow Author-
ities to “seize the concealed
Assange.” If only he’d kept
his member wrapped in Stockholm:
the blasted condom, which leaked.

August 9
THE BIG HOUSE (LOCK HER UP)

According to modern fact-
checking methodologies,
Hillary bends, folds, scrunches,
tampers with and taffy-pulls
the truth pretty much inside
the norms set by her fellow
class of politicians. If
you jailed her for some such crimes
the joint would be so lousy
with pols (and their molls) you’d have
to short-circuit her sentence.

August 10
WHAT TRUMP REALLY MEANT

I mean, give me a break, o-
kay? But they (they are so dis-
honest, most, most of them, be-
lieve me folks, and they lie, most-
ly lie) but I see now man-
y people, people have look-
ed at this and they are say-
ing the same thing, many peo-
ple are saying that there’s noth-
there, so much so, to be hon-
est it’s unbelievable.

August 11
I

fear Rudy Giuliani,
who, as prime Trump surrogate,
stiffened his sclerotic spine
spinning that The Donald’s quack
about “Second Amendment
People” bore nary a hint
of Hillary’s assassi-
nation, revealed more than he
wished when he uttered: with a
crowd like that, if that’s what they
thought he’d meant, they’d have gone wild.

August 12
WHAT THEY DID AFTER THEY FOUNDED ISIS

A lot of spare time on hand
because ISIS (or ISIL
if you will) was so darn up
for the job at hand they (Hill’
& Hussein) did not have to
do much more in the traitor
department. Still, Barack found
time to poop on The Bible
and Monster slash Devil Hill’
drop-kicked kittens into the
brew pots of liberal witches.

August 13
IF

If he wins, history will
show current events to mean
X, Y, and Z. If she wins,
history will pour those same
events into the fiery
forge from which A, B, and C
get smashed and hammered. Yet yet
the events didn’t differ.
Explanation rules harshly
in Ex Post Facto’s kingdom.
The root of forge: fabricate.

August 14
TALK / SHOW

If you took all the Blacks and
Jews out of America
you’d be left with Germany
without the timely trains or
a single singer who could
raise his voice to adoring
crowds who could show what love is
for who would erase larger
problems stop Hispandering
erect magic Lego walls
put the ouch back in Auschwitz

for Jeff Tweedy
August 15
BOLT

Speed appeals. Blocks, shoes, starter’s
gun. Sprayed-on suit and green Go
tone in the 50 free. Then
splash and dash or forty plus
strides to glory. Finis. Lean
mean time machine. But neither
stopwatch nor sundial sweeps slow
enough to measure the ex-
cruciating crawl of our
elective duodecu-
ple Ironman Triathlon.

for Mary Halvorson
August 16
IDEOLOGICAL SCREENING TEST (I CALL IT EXTREME VETTING)

I call it extreme, EXTREME
vetting. Like: Do you believe
shariah law should supplant
American law? Further:
Do you believe in our Con-
stitution or support big-
otry and hatred?
In truth
her papers have always been
proper (immunizations
too) but no way could my cock-
apoo answer these questions.

August 17
DEAR OMAROSA MANIGAULT, DIRECTOR OF AFRICAN-AMERICAN OUTREACH FOR THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN, WHOSE BROTHER AND FATHER WERE MURDERED

Never watched The Apprentice.
Never read your tome The Bitch
Switch
. Perhaps I should. I know
you blew up in Fear Factor,
The Surreal Life, Oprah, Girls
Behaving Badly
: all good!!!
But The Ultimate Merger
dating game show left you with
no one, ultimately. Now
you must be the loneliest
woman in America.

August 18
CLARENCE JONES

In his hunt for the last pissed-
off white man without college
degree in a swing state not
yet yelling Trump That Bitch, he
choppers through the sagging poll
night to the Rockies’ Eastern
Front, to a lone, proud cabin
in moonlight, only to find
the owner passed years ago,
might have indeed been black, and
cared solely for cutlery.

for Ed Ruscha
August 19
STATUESQUE

In this haunted house August
we need industrial-strength
epoxy just to keep fear
glued to the curb. Trump nude (or
is he naked?) comes into
our pubic square, unashamed.
The government clears its deep
throat, utters: NYC Parks
stands firmly against any
unpermitted erection,
no matter how small.
Ballsy!

August 20
AND AT THE END OF FOUR YEARS, I GUARANTEE YOU, THAT I WILL GET OVER NINETY-FIVE PERCENT OF THE AFRICAN-AMERICAN VOTE. I PROMISE YOU!!!

What do you have to lose by
trying something new, like Trump?
What do you have to lose? You’re
living in poverty. Your
schools are no good. You have no
jobs. Fifty-eight percent of
your youth is unemployed. What
the hell do you have to lose?

Why, de Cadillacs and de
welfare and watermelon,
Massa Trump, ‘spose dat be it.

August 21
MISDIRECTION PLAY

There’s one where the QB fake-
pitches left to a trailing
halfback then hands the pigskin
to the fullback slanting right
through the middle of the line.
When Trump talks not with, not to,
not even at black voters,
(while appearing to do just
that) he’s really speaking to
suburban white women who
self-identify as fair.

August 22
MEAN/WHILE

…back at the ranch, the roundup
of the Boss’s emails keeps
greenhorn cowpokes and seasoned
vaqueros tied in Nots. In
spangled leather poncho with
studs that match his eyes, Gaucho
Mook rides in on his mighty
dachshund, dismounts, and trumpets:
“Them critters get loose, you got
to turn the dadgummed forest
upside down to shake ’em free.”

for Michael Leonhart
August 23
FORTUNATE SONS

Let’s all agree the crown prince
of Bahrain or Bono could
hitch a ride on Hillary’s
coattails whether her server
served the Republic, for which
it stands, or the Foundation
with its rebar-stiffening
billions. But John Fogerty?
Must we grant all such reports
credence? Drip. Flooded bayou…
or by her. Who’ll stop the reign?

for Lance Donenberg
August 24
DIRTY LAUNDRY (THE AGITATE CYCLE’S WHEN THINGS COME CLEAN)

Exhausted boxers retreat
to rough-stooled corners. Tighty
whities thrown down the chute stay
down for the count. The rainbow
coalition of Pantone
swatch pantsuits begs with bleach for
another day. Fragrance-Free
agents, spin doctors, two cups
of phlegm. A raven coughs up
a thong made from the finest
petrochemicals and lace.

August 25
CALLING PROXIMA B, ORBITING THE RED DWARF PROXIMA CENTAURI

Oh Proxima b, as you
doppler around your parent,
so cuddly close to our own,
we’re told today of your Gold-
ilocks state, not too hot nor
too cold, so our readers want
to know: do hanging chads fall
up rather than down given
your laws? Do your creatures vote
or hatch new leaders? Do you
have polls, or rate things by stars?

for Katie Paterson
August 26
COLLEGE TOUR (REDUX)

At Lewis & Clark, we learned
of all the collegial things
Monica Lewinsky learned.
Today, at Occidental
(nicknamed Oxy without the
contin) we learned what poly
sci classes Barack dug when
not protesting apartheid.
Tomorrow, down the road some
at Whittier, we’ll look for
Tricky Dick’s frosh graffiti.

August 27
C

Back in the day, Fred & Son
would make sure rental apart-
ments were available to
those whose outermost layer
was fair enough. That smelled right
to them as businessmen. They
owned the buildings, after all,
so they should rent to whom they
pleased. The apps of others, whose
money was not green enough,
were marked in a special way.

August 28
TOLERANCES

A structured absence is a
presence. Turbo-injecting
empathy into every
conversation slows the pace
to STOP. The Dean of Students
bores an expensive padded
tunnel under the highway
of ideas, calls it a
safe space and calls it a day.
Let the wound licking begin.
Rainbows, unicorns, justice.

August 29
DEPORTATION / FORCE

Taking ten or twelve million
people out of the country
because they are not legal
might seem an unseemly act
to some but would be the best
Government Jobs Program in
history ’cause you would need
quite a crew to do the job.
It’s not like you could just rack
them on overhead railed hooks
like slaughterhouse carcasses.

August 30
ONCE AGAIN, WE VENTURE INTO HUMA ABEDIN & THE CROTCH OF WEINER

There’s nothing wrong with being
a Body Woman. Escort.
Agent. Valet. Butler. Shield.
Squeezer of Blackberries. Beard.
Shadow. Starfish. Gatekeeper.
Wardrobe consultant. Random
Name Generator. Blender.
Idea Person. But, but
at some point she would need to
become a Swiss Army Knife
free to use all devices.

August 31
MEXICAN HAT DANCE

This dance is a lively dance
that will raise the heart rate. Ask
students to take a heart rate
before the dance and after.
Talk about the benefits
of the dance on cardio-
respiratory system.
Men should wear an ornate cow-
boy suit. Women should wear fringed
blouses, flowing skirts, and shawls.
This dance is a courting dance.

September 1
CRIMINAL ALIENS

The aliens of my youth
wore green poly pullovers
and warbled helium-voiced
on afterschool TV by
vibrating face-slits shaped like
AMC Pacers. Scary
slash funny. You know. Danger,
Will Robinson!!!
But these free
buffalo-roaming brown ones
Trump talks up at rallies are
a whole different animal.

September 2
270

Mesmerizing in its stark
lush beauty, the number swans
before us, sashaying down
the grand maroon stair before
stopping to check its raccoon
gaze in a silver compact,
adjusting a pile of looped
pearls plunging into shadows
of perfumed decolletage. Ah,
The Number. Stunning. Pure. Of
days. Since. Her last press conference.

September 3
THE JUCIEST BITS

or

THE TWELVE JUCIEST BITS FROM THE FBI’S CLINTON REPORT ACCORDING TO POLITICO’S NICK GASS, ONLY ONE FEATURING BLEACHBIT & ONLY ONE MISSING

[Redacted] Oh Shit moment.
Trusted judgment of others.
Breaking, smashing with hammer.
Powell’s BlackBerry Warning.
Apple Server Turnover.
The meaning of “(C).” Alpha?
Blasé drone strike secrecy.
Spear-phishing porn messages.
Goog’ vulnerability.
The Fall: subsequent blood clot.
A prodigious Blumenthal.

September 4
HATING HILLARY

Each day a Field Trip away
from school: the mingy yellow
busses caterpillaring
the front play yard (with its half-
mast flag and chain-link fence) slump
opened doored, ever-ready
to take us to some blessed
nonschool place praised by teachers
as somehow helping us be-
come aware of the secret
dark teeming world around us.

September 5
LABOR

To plant and pick the stone fruit
to imagine the machines
and set them loose inside plants
and offices and upon
the land making rivers flow
backwards or stop when we say
stop building buildings for sleep
and for the thrumming sweating
machines for stocking things for
taking tickets the writers
of code and cherry pickers

September 6
LADY CAB DRIVER (WORLD’S FIRST PERFECT ONE-PERSON FOCUS GROUP)

To O’Hare on Labor Day.
Cigarettes, check. Bible, check.
Cross on rearview mirror, check.
Climate-change denier, check.
Rush on the radio, check.
Conspiracy theorist, check.
(Sneaky Rahm is selling the
city’s water to Israel.)
She had everything in her
short of General Jack Ripper’s
precious bodily fluids.

September 7
USA FREEDOM KIDS

Spangly flag costumes awhirl,
Bianca, Alexis and
Izzy sang and danced their way
into the patriotic
viral heart of the inter-
webs last winter. Now stumbling
over a string of broken
promises and stolen swag,
they’re suing the Trump campaign.
Sample song lyric: Deal from
strength or get crushed every time.

September 8
FIELD GENERAL

RA mixed-race QB who takes
a knee during the anthem
is not as plain dangerous
as one who can’t read a blitz
or find his secondary
or tertiary options
in a two-minute drill. Free
speech in the home of the brave.
A toy soldier in hairspray
helmet spews: Generals Reduced
To Rubble
. Specifics too.

for Brian Goldman
September 9
APPROVAL RATINGS

Donald is prone to finger
Vlad’s approval rating as
proof of not just strength but good-
ness. (82% is
mighty good compared to O-
bama.) But Vlad’s a piker
next to Benito, who scored
a perfect 100%,
and Adolf, approved by some
150%,
subject to rounding errors.

for Scott Gordon
September 10
TWO SHOTS OF TRUMP, BEER CHASERS (JANUARY & SEPTEMBER)

I could stand in the middle
of Fifth Avenue and shoot
somebody and I wouldn’t
lose voters, O.K.? It’s, like,
incredible!… /… She could walk
into this arena right
now and shoot somebody with
20,000 people watch-
ing right smack in the middle
of the heart and she wouldn’t
be prosecuted, O.K.?

September 11
BEAUTIFUL DESTROYERS

With Iran, when they circle
our beautiful destroyers
with their little boats and they
make gestures at our people
that they shouldn’t be allowed
to make, they will be shot out
of the water.
On this day,
as we fly free above great
rivers, let’s remember how
easy it is for fertile
valleys to fry into dust.

for Julian Charriere
September 12
BASKET CASE?

Bring your marketing basket
to the market, your basket
of resort-inspired amen-
ities to your hotel. You
have your Zuni or three-point
baskets, your baskets of moon-
light and complaint. She sure got
her deplorable basket
teed up for juicy attack
ads as she totters stumbling
into her woven handlers.

for Sukanya Rajaratnam
September 13
ADJECTIVES

You could pick any number
to describe people (or folks
as they are sometimes called) who
would make a craven cretin
the most powerful man in
the world who thinks women pigs,
his daughter fuckable, who
pantomimes the handicapped,
shovels glitz on mirrors, hates
with a bully’s cowardice:
deplorable might be one.

September 14
ONCE AGAIN, THE DREAM OF A BETTER WORLD

Fred Sandback wrote illusion
is equivalent to real-
ity
. If we stretch the truth
from floor to ceiling, from Point
A to Point Z, fuzzy lines
form a freakonomics space
where meager means produce lush
gardens of overflowing
plenty with no inside, no
outside, and all share. Please note
though there are holes in what’s real.

for Greg Lulay
September 15
BEFORE THEY WERE SURROGATES, THEY WERE HUNTING
LEGENDS (DONALD JR. & ERIC IN THE AFRICAN BUSH)

While sis preferred nose and boob
jobs, her bros’ intersection
at the corner of nature
and knife was more along lines
of sport: bumping off kudu,
croc, Cape buffalo, civet,
waterbuck, elephant and
leopard, for big fun. Junior
tweeted: “I AM A HUNTER
I don’t hide from that. I HUNT
& EAT game.” They clean up good.

for Cynthia Moss
duly noted:
http://gothamist.com/2012/03/13/photos_donald_trump_sons_awesome_at.php#photo-2
http://www.snopes.com/donald-trumps-son-game-hunting-photos/#
The Trumps paid at least $2,795.00 to kill the kudu and $1,997.00 to kill the waterbuck. List prices for the elephant, crocodile, civet, Cape buffalo and leopard were not available at press time. Donald J. Trump does not engage in big game hunting and does not approve this message.
September 16
O CANADA

The True North strong and free calls
but it’s tough to grab the phone
just now and say Let’s trek through
sticky tar sands to Great Slave
Lake
. Ice roads might chill fever
polls cause, but Vancouver is
Northwest Province of China
and Logan Couture and Kris
Davis took talents South years
back so back to drawing board.
Not our home or native land.

for Nate Radley
September 17
THE LIFE AND DEATH AND LIFE OF BIRTHERISM

Black guy black guy black guy black
I lost hundreds of friends on
9/11 I’m 6’3’’
Obama founded ISIS
Madonna wanted to date
Black guy black guy black guy black
I saw thousands of Muslims
in Jersey City cheering
as the towers came down I
was against the Iraq War
Black guy black guy white lie black

September 18
DOMINANCE RITUALS

To impress rivals, males seek-
ing to rise in the domi-
nance hierarchy perform
spectacular displays: stamp-
ing, slapping the ground, dragging
branches, throwing rocks. The more
vigorous and imagi-
native the display, the fast-
er the individual
is likely to rise in the
hierarchy.
Jane Goodall.

September 19
FIRST AMERICAN FRIED CHICKEN (TODAY’S RESTAURANT REVIEWS, YELP)

1. Best pressure cooker cooked
chicken on the east coast! 2.
Wondering if this is now
closed. 3. Just ordered the god
is great combo meal…not bad
actually. 4. Right under
our nose people. How bout no
one eats here ever again?
5. The place is a bomb! 6.
I recommend the pulled pork
sandwich or bacon double…

September 20
SECURITAS (A NORMAL SATURDAY)

Dad, I’m going to the mall:
words poured like water thousands
of times a day: clear, cool, bored:
To buy a new iPhone: natch:
is jackless phone halal or
haram?: the Koran speaks not:
to Crossroads Center, St. Cloud:
The Cloud, cloud anger storage:
then Dahir Ahmed Adan:
computing: stabbing: wearing
his Securitas costume.

September 21
AHMAD KHAN RAHAMI

or

LIVES OF THE ARCHITECTS & POETS (THWARTED DIVISION)

Gashing your brother don’t make
you a terrorist. Just makes
you a brother. Your dad got
mad you fathered a baby
girl with that Dominican
ex-girfriend not thinking of
the music and food that might
come out of her. Your pal from
Sonia’s Beauty Color Ex-
press says you wanted to be
a poet. Our bombs hurt less.

September 22
ON THE MATTER OF PROPER POLICING (BLACK AND BLUE)

Swing low, sweet Charlotte. Aim high.
Even the mouse ran from my
house they laugh at you and scorn

Your truth, my truth, and the truth.
Life’s just a thorn my heart is
torn why was I born what did

Book or gun, gun or book, gun.
My only sin is in my
skin what did I do to be

Black on black. blue on black, blue.
Swing low, sweet Charlotte. Aim high.

for Henry Threadgill
September 23
DESTINY VAN WINKLE

Destiny Van Winkle stars
in a reality show:
Lockup: Extended Stay. There’s
nothing more real than prison
except prison with ratings.
A cellmate cornrows her hair.
She used to trick. Get in cars.
Give plasma. Western Union.
As soon as she leaves the joint,
she’ll smoke whatever crack she
can find in reality.

September 24
GARY JOHNSON

could be the third-string flanker
on that ’70s football
team, smoking weed before games
knowing he’d never play. Don’t
harsh his mellow with climate
change talk, Aleppo, blah blah.
Nine percent of us say we’ll
vote for the guy who exhaled:
In billions of years, the sun’s
going to actually grow
and encompass the earth, right?

September 25
JILL STEIN

I postulate you at home
this Sunday not preparing
for the big debate, free to
religiously do Green things:
recycling feelings, weaving
hemp bicycles, composting
sweaters worn through bitter in-
door winters, asking whether
energy in dogs’ wagging
tails might somehow be harnessed
for the greater good, napping.

September 26
FORENSIC

Of or before the forum.
Anthropology, dentist-
ry, entomology, pa-
thology, botany, bi-
ology, DNA pro-
filing, chemistry, linguis-
tics, statistics, accounting,
toxicology, arts, psy-
chology, ballistics, skid
marks, mug shots, fingerprints, mud.
He Said, She Said, He Said, She…

September 27
POST-DEBATE HEADER: TRUMP AGAIN SLAMS FORMER MISS
UNIVERSE OVER WEIGHT
SUB-HEAD: CANDIDATE PREVIOUSLY
CALLED ALICIA MACHADO “MISS PIGGY” AND “MISS HOUSEKEEPING”

or

AS WE CONSIDER THE BEAUTY STANDARDS OF RED DWARFS, BLACK HOLES, SUPERNOVAS, COMETS, QUASARS, PLANETS, SOLAR SYSTEMS AND INDEED GALAXIES OF THE UNIVERSE, MIGHT WE BE OPEN TO THE POSSIBILITY THAT SOMEWHERE, ON ONE OR MORE SUCH BODIES, THICKER THIGHS, WIDER WAISTS, FLESHIER ARMS, BIGGER BUTTS, AND IN GENERAL MORE ZAFTIG CONFIGURATIONS GRACING LATINAS MAY BE CONSIDERED PRIZED ATTRIBUTES AND NOT SHAMEFUL DISQUALIFIERS, BASED ON LOCAL VALUES ONLY

That person was a Miss U-
niverse person, and she was
the worst we ever had. She
was impossible. She was
the winner, and, you know, she
gained a massive amount of
weight, and it was a real prob-
lem. A real problem. Not on-
ly that, her attitude. So
Hillary went back into
the years and she found this girl.

September 28
FACT-CHECK

Nature abhors a moron.
Or: Every normal man must
be tempted, at times, to spit
upon his hands, hoist the black
flag, and begin slitting throats.
Immorality is the
morality of those who
are having a better time.
Truth would quickly cease to be
stranger than fiction, once we
got as used to it. Mencken.

for Dave Hickey
September 29
THIRD PARTIES OF THE NIGHT (MILLENNIAL REMIX)

Wasted yet prickly, you end
up under the wobbly ping-
pong table on the ratty
shag carpet with a guy who
can’t remember his own name
or the names of anyone
he digs abroad as much as
the next guy but unless you
want to do him best to go
home with that boring gal from
the boring second party.

September 30
ON THE QUESTION OF FORMING A MORE PERFECT UNION, WITH A MOMENTARY ASIDE AS TO THE NATURE OF PROGRESS, AS A GENERAL IDEA AND IDEAL

How could fifty-thousand gen-
erations of hunting and
gathering, followed by five-
hundred generations of
agriculture, science, and
urban life, lead us to this:
the world’s most advanced nation
in rapt contemplation of
awarding its most awesome
prize and challenge to this soft,
wet, cruel, mewling human fart?

October 1
ECONOMY OF MEANS

The sucky economy
section of the plane may be
worthy of peanut tasting
menu
standup jokes but those
of us up here today must
know of our privilege: lofted
in a metal and plastic
tube high above the sweatless
but sweating out-of-work steel
workers, longshoremen, and bug-
gy whip makers, RIP.

for Ron Saint Germain
October 2
ALWAYS TOWARDS CAKEWALK

Observe: the country as real
estate. Net Operating
Losses snowdrift into yuge
piles of money burying
the avalanched innocents,
while all the charged whites and blacks
of the piano pinwheel and
blur into a harmonic
whole. This ones-and-zeroes land-
scape, where zeroes count for some-
thing, glides always towards cakewalk.

for Craig Taborn
October 3
TRACKING POLLS (NORTHEAST REGIONAL #141)

If we didn’t have a track
we’d be off track. Ribbon rail
gleams with a future we want
but can’t begin to know. Dreams
die daily upon every
alarm. Rusted trackside wreck-
age speeds by in the splintered
fall sun. Hillbilly hero-
in to blame for all these lives
up on blocks. We’re all riding
forwards backwards. Past, past, past.

October 4
AFTER PLAYING FOOTBALL, TENNIS, GOLF, AND SQUASH, THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE REMEMBERS HIS FIVE DRAFT DEFERMENTS DURING THE VIETNAM WAR (I HAD A DOCTOR THAT GAVE ME A LETTER—A VERY STRONG LETTER ON THE HEELS. YOU KNOW, IT WAS DIFFICULT FROM THE LONG-TERM WALKING STANDPOINT)

or

PTSD (NOBODY WOULD BELIEVE IT)

When you talk about the men-
tal health problems, when people
come back from war and combat—
and they see things that maybe
a lot of folks in this room
have seen many times over
and you’re strong and you can han-
dle it, but a lot of peo-
ple can’t handle it. They see
events that you couldn’t see
in a movie. Nobody…

October 5
MEEP MEEP BEEP BEEP SHEEP LEAP BLEEP VEEP MEEP MEEP

Bonds of understanding. Stop
& Frisk would be a big mis-
take. Scourge of gun violence. At
the risk of agreeing with
you let me say this. Please. Catch
& Release. Small Potatoes.
Deportation Nation. Build
a wall. Focus: criminal
aliens. They will all be
gone. Mostly it’s been a lack
of leadership. Orlando!

October 6
YOU WAKE UP ASLEEP

I wake up in Chicago.
The river’s running backwards
and in the Public hallway
Chris Christie furiously
jiggles about in only
tighty whities—a Pump Room
steak knife in one hand, the head
of Katy Tur dripping from
the other. A yellow sky,
thunder. The seiche-mad lake swirls
small perch into the lobby.

October 7
STORM SURGE (MATTHEW 28:19)

Alligators abandon
honey holes. Republicans
insist science is belief
not truth, like faith in trickle
down economics even
though data disproves belief.
Rain is captured by robot
cameras, streets signs dance Devo:
weather porn a dopamine
delight for shut-ins. Watch, watch.
A life in Haiti means less.

October 8
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING (LOCKER-ROOM BANTER WITH BILLY BUSH)

or

DAYS OF OUR LIVES (SOAP OPERA CAMEO)

In all the life instructions
Mama and Big Daddy Drumpf
funneled down to The Donald
before sending him off to
toy soldier military
boarding school, he must have missed
the one about pussies not
being designed for grabbing.
But he did learn well the one
about using mints to stanch
his pie hole’s horrid bouquet.

October 9
THE MIRRORED BALLROOM

When I try to type pussy-
gate my louche private email
sheriff still autocorrects
to pussycat. Will there be
such a self-editing scheme
for we the people, or will
our Sunday School TMZ
politics roll another
gutter ball? At the slivered
alley our league calls home, fore-
play up against the dumpster.

October 10
THE DAY AFTER (TRAINWRECK)

A thousand baboons knuckling
rough a thousand keyboards might
have a better, cleaner shot
at creating a linked train
of thought—ideas coupled
neatly behind a mental
engine of tractive power—
than, alas, Herr Drumpf, blowing
off steam, sidetracked, on the spur
where the circus train hunkers
when the circus is in town.

October 11
ADDITIONAL USES FOR SPECIAL PROSECUTORS (GRAB ‘EM BY THE LAPELS)

Kathy Karzan in 6th grade
passed notes with Richie Plonsker,
not me. Lock Her Up! Mrs.
Stunkel dumped me in the low-
est reading group when facts showed
I read gooder than most. Jail
time for old Stinky Stunkel.
Peter Thiel and John Paulson:
hmm….two semi-smart billion-
aires licking Trump’s arse: Death By
Clubbing (at late night gay bars).

October 12
24 HOUR PARTY PEOPLE (GRAND OLD PARTY DEMIX)

To watch a wild party come
apart at the unseemlies
is a spectacle worthy
of Sir David Attenborough,
crouched in a blind or wading
through piranha. He would know
that previously seemly
behavior was only a
ruse anyway, a Darwin-
ian adaptation. Not
what it seemed. Magnificent!

for Isabel Breskin
October 13
I’LL TELL YOU THE FUNNIEST

or

INSPECTOR GENERAL (AND SO I SORT OF GET AWAY WITH THNGS LIKE THAT)

I’ll go backstage before a
show and everyone’s getting
dressed and ready and every-
thing else. And you know, no men
are anywhere. And I’m al-
lowed to go in because I’m
the owner of the pageant.
And therefore, I’m “inspecting”
it. You know I’m inspecting
it. You know they’re standing there
with no clothes. And so I sort…

for Anjelique Payne (Miss Colorado Teen USA. 1994)
October 14
CREEPY CLOWN

Isn’t it rich? Isn’t it
queer? The family values part-
y so late in its career…
which hates victimization
trope key to “political
correctness” but now sports pro-
fessional victim / victim-
monger as standard bearer.
Always someone else’s fault.
Isn’t it bliss? Don’t you love
farce? Send…. Don’t bother, he’s here.

for Don Ruhman
October 15
AFTER PAINFUL SCALP REDUCTION SURGERY TO REMOVE A BALD SPOT, HE CONFRONTS HIS WIFE, IVANA, WHO’D USED THE SAME PLASTIC SURGEON

Your fucking doctor has ruined
me
, Trump cries. He holds her arms.
Begins pulling out fistfuls
of hair from her scalp. Rips off
her clothes. Unzips his pants. Fucks
her. First time in sixteen months.
She runs. Hides. Locks door. Cries all
night. Comes back to the master
bedroom in the morning. Sees
her hair scattered on the bed.
He glares, asking, Does it hurt?

duly noted:
Lost Tycoon: The Many Lives of Donald Trump, Harry Hurt III (W.W. Norton, 1993)
In a statement given just prior to the book’s printing and after her divorce was finalized, Ivana Trump said: “On one occasion during 1989, Mr. Trump and I had marital relations in which he behaved very differently toward me than he had during our marriage. As a woman, I felt violated, as the love and tenderness, which he normally exhibited towards me, was absent. I referred to this as a ‘rape,’ but I do not want my words to be interpreted in a literal or criminal sense.”
October 16
CFC HFC HRC GALAXY NOTE 7 SEE OH TOO

Let’s hear it for Kigali!
Let’s hug those sweating polar
bears but enough about them
let’s remember us, riding
our rickshaws into rising
waves of engineered fish and
regret. Each smartphone longs for
165 pounds
of raw earth to make it sing,
times 2.5 million hot
Galaxies junked. Do the math.

October 17
THE RIGGING

The stays, the sails, aye, the ropes
and chains, the shrouds, the masts, spars
and yard of any fine ship
or coarse jumble of rotten
wood still afloat but off-course,
heading unknown, off the coast
of reason, works in concert
to move a floating body
from one harbor to the next,
safe from sea serpents, dark swells,
and outrageous octopi.

October 18
JULIAN ASSANGE CALLS TECH SUPPORT

Your call is important to
us. Please listen to our men-
u, as menu options have
changed…………………….Kenny G music……………………………….Hi
Mister Julian thank you
for your patience. Let me see
if I can help you out right
here. Hmmmm, let me put you on
hold just briefly while I try
and see if I can fix your
problem…………………………………………………..Kenny G music…………………………………………

for Chelsea Hadley
October 19
THE OCTAGON: ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP: HE SAYS, SHE SAYS
HE SAYS

Inner cities = black.
Build a wall = xeno.
Elite bankers = Jews.
Voter fraud = excuse.
Locker room talk = TALK.
ISIS = my best chance.
Benghazi = Thank God.
Her emails = Thank God.
Stamina = pussy.
Latinos = new word.
Conspiracy = truth.

SHE SAYS

Building bridges = note
metaphor. Life in public
service = pain in ass
why am I doing this keep
smiling!!! You know = pre-
lude to folksy anecdote
indicating connection
to ordinary people.
No quid pro quo = Trump
voters don’t do Latin. I
hope to earn your vote =

October 20
CONGRATULATIONS USA! GO TEAM!

We made it through four debates
(including Veep) without a
single lonely hummingbird-
fluttering, forked-tongue question
about climate change. Best just
to watch this dripping mass of
manflesh sweat, sniff, gulp water—
game show contestant who knows
not the rules of the game—seethe
there for all to gape: the most
pussywhipped man in history.

October 21
BEWARE DITTO MACHINES (BE THEY SIMPLE QUOTE SUBSTITUTES, RUSH’S DITTOHEADS, OR NEWLY-MINTED TRUMP SPOKESPERSON, JESSICA DITTO)

Back in camp, we used spirit
duplicators to print our
weekly newspaper. Who came
in what place in what sport, plus
the moon landing. Fresh copies
in aniline purple pig-
ment were aggressively sniffed
and so would you. As they fade
in attic’d trunks and cardboard
boxes no doubt our aging
cancer chances grow higher.

October 22
1,200 MESSAGES IN JOHN PODESTA’S INBOX RE: ENERGY / CLIMATE

or

SHALL WE BE SCANDALIZED? SHALL WE BE PLEASED?

Methane leaks, water tables.
Ethanol: mend it don’t end
it. Can’t alienate corn
country. Iowa. Bernie
fracking ban: unfeasible,
extreme. Stick a fork in it.
Halliburton loophole. Life.
Steyer. McKibben. Max flex
incrementalism. Green?
Have done extensive polling
on carbon tax. It all sucks.

October 23
REPUBLICANS IN GETTYSBURG (CREATED EQUAL)

…Score and seven years ago
Every woman lied when they
our fathers brought forth on this
came forward to hurt my cam-
continent, a new nation,
paign. Total fabrication.
conceived in Liberty, and
The events never happened.
dedicated to the prop-
All these liars be will sued.
osition that all men are…

October 24
REGARDLESS (THINGS THAT WILL STAY THE SAME)

King tides and the moon’s heavy
pressure. Corrosive rot on
free speech of money, money
being speech in our country.
Heartbreak a radish inside
my chest, past its Sell By date.
The smell of rain in the air
before it rains. Excuses.
The babysitter next door,
who shouts on leaving, always,
“Love you, love you, little loves.”

October 25
IT’S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE, BABY

Back in camp, we used spirit
So he goes and stops, and he
says, “Come on, baby. Come on
baby.” I went up. I went
two flips in the air, two flips
very near in front of him.
I disappear! Donald was
so angry, he took off his
skis, his ski boots, and walk up
to the restaurant. He could
not take it. He could not take
it. —Ivana Humpalot

October 26
A BLACK & WHITE BOY IN A NEWSBOY CAP WITH A SHARP VOICE FROM AN OVERHEAD ANGLE BARKS ON THE SIDEWALK (AS WE ZOOM TO READ THE HEADER) “HOT OFF THE PRESSES! READ ALL ABOUT IT! TRUMP CAUGHT IN LOVE NEST OF SIX PAPERS NATIONWIDE WHICH ENDORSE HIM! AFTERNOON FINAL! RUMORS OF A SEVENTH! READ ALL ABOUT IT! TWO CENTS!”

Waxahachie Daily Light.
St. Joseph News-Press. Santa
Barbara News-Press. Antelope
Valley Press. Times-Gazette of
Hillsboro, Ohio. The
Las Vegas Review-Journal
of Sheldon Adelson. No
self-respecting fish would be
wrapped in one of these six sheets.
The Magnificent Seven
counting The Enquirer.

October 27
HOW RICH: THE ROOTS OF THE FAMILY FORTUNE IN THE KLONDIKE GOLD RUSH WHERE THE DONALD’S DRAFT-DODGING GRANDDAD FRIEDRICH DECAMPED TO MINE THE MINERS WITH HIS EATING, DRINKING & SLEEPING ESTABLISHMENT

or

THE SAGA OF SURPLUS CAPITAL

Every Delicacy in
The Market Served
claimed the ad
for the Arctic Restaurant.
That meant: Fresh Fruit…Ptarmigan…
Horse Meat…Girl Meat. Fresh Oysters
in Every Style. Private Box-
es for Ladies and Parties.

In the boxes, beds and scales
for weighing payments in gold
dust for the hollow chambers,
the dark places of women.

October 28
ARAINY MORNING ON BREITBART

CORRUPT ESTABLISHMENT lede.
Human hand grenades tossed through
windows of the One Percent.
Hillary coffee (DECAF,
WEAK, BITTER) mug shots sold. Rape
jokes. FREE online courses to
get the skills you need to land
the job you want
(Supply Chain
Management). Clinton Plan To
Strip Religous Liberty
Protections. POLLS: NECK AND NECK.

October 29
BLACK SWAN EVENT

Former Miss Finland Ninni
Laaksonen and former Tru-
man Scholar Moira Smith had
their asses firmly fondled
by, respectively but not
respectfully, Donald Trump,
and Justice Clarence Thomas,
Trump because she looked like a
pre-pregnant Melania,
Thomas because he wanted
her…to sup right next to him.

for Kim Washington
October 30
ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION

We last saw Carlos Danger
in late March*, adrift on his
raft of crotch-shotted spoiled sheets.
Weinergate rhymes with penis
the way Watergate rhymes with
torture and lets not forget
Whitewater where Comey was
Deputy Special Counsel
to the investigating
Senate Committee. Quick send
in the clowns. Don’t bother they’re…

October 31
TREAT OR TRICK

Don’t you just love that our race
for the country’s top job spins
on the whirred gyroscopic
perversions of three spooky
men—D. Trump, B. Clinton, A.
Weiner—who think with their dicks?
Now imagine a world run
by women, where the first man
within sniffing distance of
the prize was pushed out by sexed
up Kegeling amazons.

for Erin Blitz
November 1
THANKFULLY, THE CALL HAS FINALLY COME

I’d been waiting, swarthily,
through this whole impossible
election season. Waiting
for the word. Waiting to take
action. The three-note ringtone
on my burner phone (JEW-S-
A, JEW-S-A) awoke me.
A man with a faint Euro
accent, speaking from the crypt
of a shadowy central
bank, spilled my marching orders.

November 2
DRAIN THE SWAMP (THE POLLS TIGHTEN)

Raised on television and
revenge, we just might get our
plot point right: someone to rule
us so brutally stupid
and ostentatiously id-
norant we don’t feel so dumb
no more. You can’t have a beer
with him since he don’t drink but
you can feel he’s one of us:
a walking, shouting realtors’
comp for the slum we live in.

November 3
THE ENTHUSIASM GAP

What is it about this baked
potato of a woman
which provokes such loathing or
meh, icky acceptance? She
laughs, folks cringe. She speaks purple,
people see red. She hits “send,”
off with her head. The other
guy could shoot someone on Fifth
Ave—as he mimed it—his gang
would vote for him ten times each.
She manages half a vote.

November 4
TRUMPISM IN THE LAND OF JEFFERSON, WASHINGTON, FRANKLIN & HAMILTON

Fascistic Republican-
ism is the new black. We
sink or swim with ink spilled, marks
made in the booth we fought for.
Blood. Kin. A couple hundred
years of unpaid labor. Hey
neighbor. The far right digs a
beachhead against the rising
tide of a majority
minority nation. Young,
scrappy, and obese, we flail.

for Daveed Diggs
November 5
MICROTARGETING (SWING STATE SCRIPTS)

If I was a Pacific
Islander/eager Asian
American my Call Tool
would have fed me to Friday
night Nevada phones needing
company, but my knowledge
of Manzanar and hula—
too sketchy. The Woman-To-
Woman script begged reading for
Colorado, but last I
checked I’m short a uterus.

November 6
(WITHIN) THE MARGIN OF ERROR

Inside the chalk lines lazes
the margin of error, sprawled
on the grass, under the late
fall sun. In his tattered bag,
he squirrels charts and crystals, a
cigar and a banana
for the coming cartoon slip,
mirror-bright microchips. Chips.
Diminishingly small, we
are an edged sum, rounded down.
Every shut eye ain’t asleep.

November 7
SAY IT LOUD—I’M WHITE AND I’M PROUD (GET ON THE TRAIN FBI REMIX FEATURING JAMES COMEY SPECIAL GUEST HWA HONKEEZ WIT ATTYTUDES)

Some people say we got a lot of malice
some say it’s a lot of nerve I say we won’t
quit moving til we get what we deserve we’ve
been ‘buked and we’ve been scorned we’ve been treated bad
talked about as sure as you’re born oooweee you’re
killing me altright you’re outta sight so tough
you’re tough enough ooowee you’re killing me oow

for Ron Miles
November 8
NAME, ADDRESS, PHONE

Noel Ali. Phyllis Pyles.
Mimi Violin. Lucas
Miles. Misty England. Michael
Gentile. Alma Soria.
Ricky McGill. Mary Guy.
The names, the beautiful names
of Americans. I tried
to reach you, but couldn’t. Now
we must put away trifling
toys, the empty candy of
entertainment, and choose best.

November 9
EIGHT YEARS AFTER OBAMA

a whitelash, with wicked torque.
For every action, equal
and opposite reaction.
Pale men and women without
college just changed the course of
this country for good, and bad.
Not tactics: plate tectonics.
Not farce: tragedy. It’s real
hot and will get hotter. This
goes well beyond words. It is
done. It is done. We are done.

for Ofelia Diaz
November 11

Dear Readers:

I would like to thank you for taking this journey with me since February 1, 2016, the day of the Iowa Caucus, until November 9, 2016, the day before yesterday, when enough votes had been tallied to declare the winner of this most historic pestilential election, uh…presidential election. In particular, I would like to thank those of you who subscribed for daily delivery of these Elective Poems via the topically-charged and apparently pertinent medium of email, and that wonderful subset of you who provided me with intermittent feedback on my seventy-seven-beat blips: ideas, further ideas, constructive criticism, applause, skepticism, corrections, conversation, laughter—all of which I took as nourishment on this long river trip. It sometimes felt like paddling into the wind (not much fun upon breaking camp first thing in the morning, every morning) but as many of you have pointed out, this election “season” provided me with no shortage of subject matter. Better yet, each day I felt I was paddling towards you, my sometimes imagined, but often quite real, intimate audience. Whether or not these 258 7-Eleven poems end up seeing the dark of print, between proper book covers, is unknown at present; but I’ve taken heart in your readership, in the moment, as we’ve moved our fragile little vessel forward in time.